Saturday, March 3, 2007

Short ass ties are out, Gunts are in.

Bill Parcells will be back on ESPN for the upcoming season, taking the place of the regular tie averse Michael Irvin. When I said I wanted to see some more tits on ESPN, this was not what I was talking about.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Geico Cavemen Go Hollywood

ABC announced today that they are greenlighting a sitcom starring the cavemen from the Geico commercials. I also hear that the Geico Gecko got a gig opening for Pauly Shore at the Ha Ha Factory in Sioux Falls, South things are looking up for all of the insurance company mascots.

Well, except for the Aflac duck:

Midget BBAll

The midget in red, is like shaq compared to the mexican midget...

The Archbishop Harold Magic Reynolds

Some news on the man who inspired our name. ESPN alleges that there were 5 separate instances of sexual misconduct on the part of Mr. Reynolds leading up to his dismissal. Here is Reynolds' response (courtesy of The Smoking Gun) to one of these claims, known as the "Pimp Daddy" incident.

Snake Slithers Off

Not being one for warm winters and lots of money to play the glory position in a game loved by children the world over; Jake Plummer is retiring instead of accepting a trade to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
While he was neither a consistent or good QB, he was entertaining. With the facial hair, defiant support of dead former teammates, and the passing to the wrong team with the wrong hand, you never quite knew what he would do next. He will always be remembered fondly for leading the Cardinals in an upset of the Cowboys in Dallas in the playoffs in 1999.

So long, Jake Plummer, you will be missed.

Superman Returns

Wanted: 6'5" Host with a Laser, Rocket Arm.

Apparently Peyton Manning will be cutting that meat on Saturday Night Live. Remember Peyton, they are not saying BOO, they're saying that you are gay.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Slight Clicking Sound Hurts Professional Athlete

Wow, that John Daly is a finely tuned athlete. Your average man wouldn't even be able to physically withstand the sight of a fan with a camera, but it took that slight **CLICK** to physically decimate John Daly.

Yanks Start it OFF

Chien Mien Wang started right where last year left off, posting 2 scoreless and hitless innings. Wang had his usual hard, heavy sinker, that baffled Minnesota's major and minor leaguers. Batter after batter drove the ball staright at the ground for easy outs. Also on the day, Yankees phenoms Philip Hughes and Jose Tabata had a rollercoaster day, but showed plenty of promise. The 2o year old Hughes pitched 1.1 innings giving up 1 run on 1 hit 2 bb and a K. He showed off his powerful fastball and knee buckling curve, but his control got the best of him. Tabata at 18 years old is jewel of the Yankees organization as far as hitters go. At 17 last year he played in the Future Stars game and laced teammate Hughes, had a 1 for 2 day. Look for Tabata in A YAnkees Uniform with in the next year or so. Also on the day Giambi proved his wrist is healthy afte rsmashing a towering ball out of the park for a 2 run homer, and Johnny Damon, beer belly and all also homered on the day.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Black Brent Barry- The Air Up There

Feast your eyes on this....And1's Taurian "Air Up There" Fontenette. I know the argument is that And1 players as a general rule would not be able to cut it in the NBA, but there is no way that this guy wouldn't embarrass Nate Robinson, Tyrus Thomas, JR Smith, Dwight Howard,that guy from the Celtics who won, etc. in a dunk contest.

720 Dunk? The argument is simply over.

Hill Billy Wedding

Gotta love those rednecks, being at the alter with booze in hand,
their best bud rottweiler, and their pregnant wife... But the wedding cake is the greatest yodels, twinkies etc... Love it... I think Billy Wagner had his wedding like this....

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The Yankee Office

Feels like the right time to couple the funniest sitcom going with the increasingly funny happenings of the Bronx Bombers.

It wasn't long ago the Yankees were considered a dynasty. Now the only semblance of a dynasty is to the 80's soap opera of that name. I'll try to tackle some of the "stories" going on with this club with the help of the good folks at the Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, PA branch (click each heading for a silly audio link).

Hey, hey, hey, Goodbye - Adios, Bernie. It looks like this Yankee great is going out wimpily. No surprise there. He'll have plenty of time to play his fagan jazz guitar for church charity concerts in Connecticut when he's not whiling the days away in Westchester. What a honkey. Had a reputation for being selfless over the years. Now he's too proud to play for a roster spot that all he had to do was show up to get. Consider that selfless rep sullied. Can't wait for the awkward old-timers days in the years to come. Bernie may want to update his website. Seems he's no longer a "Superstar Center Fielder for the New York Yankees".

Prodigal son returns - Andy Pettitte, welcome back. In the past 10 seasons, the Yankees had 6 World Series appearances with him, 0 without him. Although he's getting up there in years and the league now penalizes steroid use, it never hurts to have Jesus back on your side. He may even lure his old redneck pal Roger to come back to further intensify the hatred of this Yankees team. Although if that doesn't happen, apparently Phillip Hughes is the Baby Rocket according to Giambi. No pressure there.

God bless the dead - Lost in the mix of juicy buzz is Corey Lidle's "tragic" death. While a major league baseball player piloting a plane into a Manhattan building leading to his fiery death was a big deal at the time, I haven't heard much about it since. I also haven't heard about the things he said about his teammates and manager, which I feel the need to touch upon here.

Don't Cross the Boss - Apparently, you don't ever want to go against Joe Torre. In all seriousness, when a guy like Lidle says the opposing team was more ready to play after getting humiliated in a post-season series by an over-whelming underdog, it's not a good reflection on your manager, regardless of how you tried to spin it off with Mike and the Mad Dog days before you die. Will Joe Torre realize he lost almost all of his old "high-character/self-motivated" guys and needs to light a fire under his players' asses? Does he know how to? Will the guys rally and play like a team instead of simply showing up and collecting their fat paychecks? Will the Yankees be wearing a commemorative black stripe or patch because of the death of a teammate that was on the team for a few months and wasn't coming back the following season even if he was alive? (yes) All very important questions.

Too cool for fun and games - The young stud in the lineup seems to be the new golden boy on the team. With his slick play, Cano seems destined for stardom. I don't know. He doesn't look like he wants to be there. Sure the numbers are there now, but I think opponents will wisen up when pitching to him. Look for him and his smug face to come back down to earth this year. I'm gonna lump Abreu in here too. Sure the numbers are there, but the Phillies almost validated the Ewing theory after giving him away last year. Just another guy happy to get that paycheck and go home when the seasons over.

That's a curious way to get hurt - Pavano's been paid $4.3 million per win (4) over the first 2 years of his contract. Also known for missing a season with bruised buttocks and broken ribs from a car accident (that he failed to notify the team about) with a floozy in tow. For sure, the most likely member of the team to George Foreman grill his foot. Not exactly getting warm and fuzzy "welcome backs" from teammates.

Considering the source, that's a bit harsh. - When the monotonous Moose is openly complaining about Pavano needing to prove himself, it's not a good sign for clubhouse chemistry. It's telling that Mussina is the most outspoken member of the pitching staff. Where have you gone David Wells/Cone?"

Having trouble telling them apart? - They shouldn't have to since one's a lefty and one's a righty, but Yankee fans must be hoping they have to Sharpie the arm of either Wang or Igawa to tell them apart. If Igawa can contribute in the way their other Asian import Chien-Ming has, happy times may be there again. And maybe Torre won't even botch who should be starting a critical playoff game at the end of this season.

This one's too easy - I don't know how Yankee fans root for these guys. The Giambino. Ugh. Shame on you John Sterling. You're the worst. I'm sure the wisecracking Mientkiewchzw will fit in just lovely playing first though. Or did he take the same oath all the other players took upon becoming a Yankee to not show any character?

Toby Damon? - It won't ever seem right having this guy on the team. A true fan can't root for him (or Clemens, but I guess there's plenty of untrue fans out there all over) based on what he's done in the past. He is starting to fit in though with his recent unexplained leave of absence. It's amazing how they pieced this team together. Some fantasy lineup though.

I deserve this raise - Let me get this straight, the greatest closer in the history of the game wants to finish his career with the only organization he's ever played for and would like a little security before his contract expires as a sign of good faith. Sounds like a no brainer. He's been durable over his career, may not have the same stuff he once had, but there's no one else in the game you'd rather have in his place. I mean, would you really want to mess around with him on the open market when your division rival will be in need of a closer and are known to spend money on a whim? Well, apparently being the best at your job for years doesn't warrant a contract extension from the penny-wise Yankees. And it's not like anyone's waiting in the wings to take over. The pen should be a concern for the team even with Mariano there.

Captain Courageous - So, A-Rod's the sensitive one? It's come out that Rodriguez drove across Florida to apologize to Jeter in person after seeing his words in print from his Esquire interview. That was many years ago. Maybe if he wore a diaper and drove non-stop Jeter would have understood the love he has for him. Yeah, the stuff Alex said was touchy, but you know what, it really shouldn't have hurt Jeter so much. He was the King of New York. He had it all. When the story broke, the backlash was, "Can you believe this selfish jerk who never won anything would say this about Jeter?" Jeter could do no wrong. Nobody (media, fans, teenage girls) questioned his manhood based on what A-Rod said. But I guess he did. Now he can say all he wants about how it doesn't effect what happens on the field. I'm sure if we violated HIPAA and broke into A-Rod's psychiatrists files we might find otherwise. As Jeter continues to give his detached responses to every question thrown his way, the tide continues to turn on him. He may lead by example on the field, but you gotta do more when you wear that C on your jersey. Interesting side note, the Yankees haven't won a championship while having a team captain since 1978 and 1977 (Munson), and before that 1941 (Gehrig).

The Mighty Delicate One - Don't think I'm just gonna blame Jeter for what's going on. A-Rod's one of the most talented guys to ever play the game. But he sure has some baggage. He cares way too much about what other people think about him. He doesn't seem comfortable in his own skin. He shouldn't let things get to him like they do. And he shouldn't be batting 8th in the most important game of the season. Maybe Torre was trying to put a charge in him. It didn't work. I don't have the answers on how he can put it together. It's obvious he needed a Daddy in his life. Sadly, Alex took the money and signed with Texas after the 2000 season and left the only Father figure in his life behind. That guy, Piniella, is now coaching the Cubs and the guy Alex was traded for. Can he defeat the odds and bring the Yankees a championship? I don't see it. It's become a circus, not a team. Will he opt out of his contract after this year? I don't see him doing that either. He wouldn't want to be thought of as a quitter as well as a choker. He's yours to keep Yankees fans. It's never too late to start cheering for him.

Mullets galore This is just one of many mullet classifications go to the site for all of them..

01. classic mullet: this specimen is a clear demonstration of a classic mullet. Note how this mullet proudly displays his exotic plumage while in a menacing stance. Classic indeed. The mesh tank-top, digital watch, silver chain, and molester mustache all add points to this fine specimen's overall look and mulletude.

Mulletude: 10
Aggressiveness: 10
Hobbies: football games, wife beating, picking fights.
Sightings: everywhere, there's no escape (see: eyes).
Favorite Band: Steve Miller Band

Dodgers pitcher could become billionaire?

Dodgers left-handed pitcher Matt White has almost no chance of making the opening-day roster. ... White, however, could become the wealthiest player in the clubhouse, according to the Los Angeles Times , quite a distinction considering Kent has made $67 million, Gonzalez has made $63 million and Nomar Garciaparra has made $61 million.
White owns a rock quarry in Massachusetts that could eventually produce more than $2 billion worth of mica schist flatstone, which is used for walks, patios, steps, walls, hearths and ponds.
The stone was formed 400 million years ago from sandy mud sediments deposited on an ancient sea bottom. White's father is operating the quarry, which is off to a modest start, producing $60,000 worth of stone last year.
A geologist, however, told White that as much as 24 million tons of the stone is on the mountainous 50-acre property, which White purchased from his aging aunt so she would have enough money to live in a nursing home.
"We had no idea the rock was there until I started clearing out a couple acres to build a house," White said.

America's #1 Enemy

Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Iran, the Crips, the Bloods, Y2K, the hole in the Ozone layer, the murdering Howard K. Stern.....they all pale in comparison to the biggest menace facing Americans on the streets today.

Out of control midget street performers.....this video will send shivers down your spine. (Down your very short and truncated spine if you happen to be a midget....and don't be fooled by the outcome of this video, these cops just had the wool pulled over their eyes by this devious little man.)

I heard somewhere that Barry Bonds may have taken performance enhancing drugs

Saw this on Check out these stats.

My favorite fact: the authors detail in their afterword the freakish growth of
Bonds' body parts in his years with the Giants: from size 42 to a size 52
jersey; from size 10 1/2 to size 13 cleats; and from a size 7 1/8 to size 7 1/4
cap, even though he had taken to shaving his head

Monday, February 26, 2007

Give Me A J!!....J!!...Give Me An A!! ...A!!!....Give Me An I!!! I!!!.....Give Me A L!!! L!!!! Whats That Spell? JAIL!!!!!

For the second time in less than a year, Bobby Brown has been arrested at his daughter's cheerleading competition in Boston. And to be perfectly clear, he wasn't arrested for the second time in general, this was the second time he was arrested at a cheerleading competition!!

I'm sure his daughter is really well adjusted, not at all messed up from growing up in a house with two cokeheads, and I just hope this doesn't cause her any stress at all. Between having Bobby for a dad and having your mother date the brother of that Deathrace 2000 participant Brandy, this girl is already fu**ed.

Long live Bel Biv Devoe!!!

Don't worry Cap, the Mick will pick you up.

Feast your eyes on Derek Jeter's 2007 Topps baseball card (, in which he is striking out while the Mick gets ready for his at bat and the commander and chief is looking for his seat (Hey Bush, its easy, they're all numbered!). To cheer Jeter up after his K, the Mick told Jeter all about his favorite Yankee Stadium memory. (

Public Access Hall of Fame

Please stand up and applaud one member of the Class of 2007:

Charlotte, NC City Council Meeting....the topic? Lemonheaded Rogue Helicopter Pilots: