Conflicting Feelings About New Jack

Video is NSFW-ish because of some language, but the images are completely Kosher. (Kosher reference was made in honor of our massive Jewish audience. Shalom.)

At first this video is going to make you feel bad for New Jack because of the apparently permanent damage that his eye has suffered due to a fall he took in one match. You will say to yourself, "Self, do you really need to have grown men risk their lives in order to entertain you? Can't you just find a less barbaric way of amusing yourself?"

Then New Jack talks about how he tried to kill the guy that injured him and you again have a little conversation with yourself. "Self, are you nuts?? Are you going to miss an opportunity to actually see New Jack kill somebody because you feel bad for them? Get yo' ass back in front of that TV and watch!!"

Shawn Kemp is the Father!!!

*****EXCLUSIVE*****EXCLUSIVE*****EXCLUSIVE*****EXCLUSIVE*****

Inappropriate Hugs has received word from an insider in the Bahamas that NBA star Shawn Kemp will be adding yet another child to his already prodigious group of offspring. After being tracked down by the crack staff of the Maury Povich show and forced to undergo a DNA test, Kemp has now been confirmed as the father of little Dannielynn.

Inappropriate Hugs has obtained this exclusive photograph of Kemp and Anna Nicole on a romantic vacation that was taken approximately 11 months before the birth of the baby. (Kemp has reportedly trained his highly potent sperm to just "hang out" for a couple of months inside of his many female conquests before going for the fertilization in order to acquire the greatest number of children possible while still maintaining the ability to deny that he was the father.)

Larry "Grandma-Ma" Johnson apparently was seen wiping his brow and exclaiming, "WHEW!!" when he learned he wasn't the baby daddy.

Q. What could make Joe "Monkey" Morgan proclaim, "Oh no!"

A. A rally-killing, inning-ending double play turned by the Mets off a great diving stop by the 'Stache.

It's good to have baseball back as the Mets began making up for Game 7 of last year with a 6-1 road victory over the Cardinals to begin the 2007 season. After carving up Carpenter in the opener, the Mets face Kip Wells and Braden Looper in the final 2 games of the series Tuesday and Wednesday. In related news, I might pick up a broom tomorrow.

Here's hoping Glavine gets involved in some pitching duels that yield no decisions in the next few months. I have a feeling once he gets his 300 Wins, he's coasting... I hope I'm wrong.