Thursday, March 15, 2007

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses

In a shocking turn at the U.S. detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, Al-Qaida's #3 has accepted responsibility for planning and executing the demise of the New York Knicks.

From his written admission: I planned the demise of this once great franchise from A-Z. After the loss in the 1999 Finals to the San Antonio Spurs I was filled with hatred at the joy New Yorkers received watching this team succeed. I immediately began infiltrating their operation, using the financial backing of Saudi royalty to sway James Dolan to our cause. I used my influence to get Frank Layden in at GM, leading to the decision to draft Frédéric Weis over hometown favorite Ron Artest.

I did not want to be too overt in my destruction, allowing the organization to plod along. Eventually, when enough old warriors on the team left and were replaced with boring, untalented players, we drove the admired and respected Van Gundy to leave the team in early 2001. At this point, my plan to devastate the Knicks went full throttle. My influence led to the hiring of Al-Qaida operative Don Chaney as head coach and directly led to the acquisitions of Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley. With the mangling of the Knicks salary cap complete, the teams' power was rendered obsolete and their annihilation was forth-coming.

When the American public fought back and cried for change, Scott Layden was made the scapegoat of the operation in 2003. Little did they know, I planned for someone more menacing and hating of New Yorkers to take their place. Fresh off his success of destroying the CBA, Mohammad Atta, I mean, Isiah Thomas (who has disliked America since being left off the Dream Team), was named GM and President of team operations. Lenny Wilkens was brought in to help lead the sheep to slaughter. New Yorkers followed a mediocre team to the playoffs that year, where they were embarrassingly swept in the first round.

Courtesy of my ingenious management of the Knicks salary cap and draft picks thru trades and signings (Jerome James, Malik Rose, Jalen Rose, Steve Francis, Penny Hardaway, Jerome Williams, Maurice Taylor, Eddy Curry), the team would not have any hope of improving. The following season was wonderful, highlighted by Lenny Wilkens being run out of town. That was followed up with an ensuing circus, bringing in Larry Brown to coach a dreadful team with a ridiculous contract to further humiliate New Yorkers. That horrible team actually underachieved with a 23-59 record and the leagues highest payroll. Larry Brown was bought out and Isiah has been placed in full control as GM and Head Coach and now with news that he has a multi-year deal to ruin the team, George W Bush said it best, "Mission Accomplished!".

Wow, that's great news. Maybe now they can make some changes and put Isiah and Dolan in prison where they belong.

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