His arm better be falling off

Carl Pavano is scheduling a visit to see the esteemed Dr James Andrews. All I am going to say is his forearm better be ripped from the bone. If it isn't, Carl Pavano is the biggest pussy ever. Your telling me he can't pitch because of "grabbing" in his forearm? Hey Carl, pitchers pitch hurt all the time. You are not going to be 100% all season. Stop being such a puss and get the fuck out there when your team needs you. If the Yankees felt that this injury was serious, don't you think he would have been on the first plane to Alabama after the game where he went 7 innings, letting up 2 runs on 6 hits against the Twins (not to bad for someone with "grabbing' of the forearm)? So for Carls sake, I hope the good Dr. James schedules his forearm reattachment surgery for early next week.

Going From Bad to Worse

This is getting ridiculous. The Yankees have already been struggling with their starting pitching due to the calvacade of injuries that has been decimating the staff. The hitlist includes their #1, #2, #5 and #6 starters: Wang (Hamstring), Mussina (Hamstring), Karstens (Broken Leg) and Pavano (Forearm).

So they call up the Golden Boy Phillip Hughes last week, and after a decent performance last week, he completely dominated last night in Texas. He went for 6.1 innings, giving up no hits, and striking out six batters......and he is now out for 4-6 weeks with a hamstring injury. Ugh.

I hear Cashman is now in the market for a jacked knuckleballer with some big league experience who can help right this sinking ship:

You Warriors are good. Real good.

I can’t say that I’ve watched a minute of them play all year (playoffs included). Thanks to the Knicks, I have completely rejected watching much of any Fantastic NBA Action this year. Tonight however (after I get back from my first Mets game of the year), I will definitely be checking out Game 5 of the Warriors and the Mavs.

Anytime a #8 seed is about to take out a #1 it becomes must see TV for me. The Mavs were 67-15 (tied for the 6th best record in league history) while the Warriors (42-40) just beat out the Clippers to get into the playoffs for the first time since Chris Webber was a rookie playing with Latrell in 1994. Should the Warriors win tonight (or in the “if necessary” games 6 & 7), they will become the first 8 seed to defeat a top seed since the NBA moved to the best of 7 format in 2003.

Of course, only 2 other #8 seeds have defeated top seeds before, and each of those featured defining moments.

The first time, in 1994, the Nuggets fought back from down 0-2 in the series to defeat the Sonics in OT in game 5. When the buzzer sounded Mutombo hilariously rolled around on the floor fondling the basketball while shrieking.

The second time, after the lockout shortened 1999 season, the Knicks advanced when Allan Houston’s clutch runner took a couple bounces and fell in with little time left. I nearly fell through the floor of my apartment from the post-shot celebration.
So far, this Mavs-Warriors series seems defined by Dirk’s inability to act like a superstar/MVP, the explosion of Baron Davis, and the Don Nelson love-fest. I would like to see someone please step up to get that “defining moment” of this series nailed down. Stephen Jackson, I’m looking at you.

And as a Knicks fan, the news isn’t all bad. I was informed by the Knicks through e-mail of their most glorious achievement during the playoffs. Yup, Knicks City Dancer “Asia” won the contest to become the next Pussycat Doll. Check out all the details as it’s the headline on their fucking homepage. Unless they have a promotional “Free Pussy” night, I’m not going to another game until this team makes some major changes (like, I don’t know, get rid of half the roster and all of their management and coaching staff).

Anyway... Go Warriors.

Mining the Depths of You Tube

Why waste hours and hours looking for something entertaining on Youtube when your man main Martin Van Buren can do it for you?


God + Top Gun = Awesome



2 Foot Woman + 6 Foot 4 Inch Man= Bowling Ball Shaped Woman


Belgian Talk Show + Victim of Medical Malpractice (Accidental Amputation of His Testicles)= Awkward Laughing



And Finally....RIP Boris Yeltsin.....Leader, Diplomat & Brilliant Dancer

Pizza Hut's Newest Topping.......Weiner

A very strange story out of London today. A man burst into a pizza shop, grabbed a knife, climbed up on a table, and proceeded to hack his own "manhood" off in front of shocked customers.

He was apparently a Polish man, so maybe he thought the people wanted a little kielbasa on their pizzas? RIMSHOT!!! I'm here all week....please tip your waitresses!!

The Great American Baseball Road Trip

Nice weather is finally upon us. And with nice weather comes doing things outside.
Baseball is played outside.
This coming June, the two New York Baseball franchises will be playing in ballparks that are not their own that are in relatively close proximity to one another. The Yankees of the Bronx will play in Baltimore on Thursday, June 28th. The Mets of Flushing, Queens will play in Philadelphia on Friday, June 29th.
Currently, tickets are still available for the Yankees game in Baltimore, and the 1:05 Mets game in Philadelphia (which was a reschedule of an earlier rainout (the night game is sold-out (fireworks night)).

The tentative game plan goes as follows:
Drive down to Baltimore Thursday afternoon (approx 3 hours), check in to whatever low-rate hotel we've chosen (probably out of the harbor area due to budgetary concerns), get some pre-game food/drink in the Harbor, enjoy the game, have post-game drink, acquire/indulge in heroin, sleep comfortably in hotel.
On Friday, check out, drive the hour and a half to the ballpark in Iladelph, enjoy the game while sweating out the toxins from the previous night, check into another low-rate hotel, go to wherever the Philadelphia nightlife may be, eat cheese steaks and get in fights with grumpy Phillies fans while monitoring the night's game, and then seek out a hooker to bring back to the hotel for a good ol' fashioned gangbang.
Whenever we get going Saturday, perhaps we can do some historic sightseeing in the afternoon before driving home, or maybe swing over to Atlantic City (1 hour away) for another night of debauchery (Seung-Hui Cho would've loved us) before going back in the pre-dawn hours of Sunday (because hotels look pretty unavailable in AC for that weekend).

As it currently stands, Anthony G., Chris P., and James C. are going to take part in this adventure. If you would like to join in the fun, please reply with your intent to do so by the end of the work week (5:00 PM ET Friday). Ticket purchases/hotel bookings will be made this weekend.

Where There is Smoke...There Are Pro Athletes

So why does Calvin Johnson have such a good vertical leap? Because he likes to jump high in the air.

According to ESPN, Johnson, Gaines Adams and Amobi Okoye all admitted to smoking marijuana in their NFL Combine interviews. I doubt that this is going to have a serious effect on where they are going to get drafted, but lets be blunt about it, it isn't going to exactly help them either. Some GMs may read this new report and end up rolling (the) paper and throwing it in the trash right away.

I hope this doesn't lead to any chronic problems for any of these fine young men. They have their whole lives ahead of them, you don't want to see them go to pot.

This site is great!

Click on exam room #1

and post your scores in comments. Lets see who the best at deciphering is! hahaha

http://www.alllooksame.com/exam_room.php

Non-Mass Murderer Videos

Inappropriate Hugs presents the outtakes from the Virginia Tech killer's video:



And for all you Italian Stallions out there, the Guido Geico commercial:

I like Carlos a lot, the other Carlos… I don’t know.

Hasn’t been much baseball talk going on here, so I figure I would delve into the conflicting feelings I have towards the Mets’ Carloses. Carlos Delgado makes a lot of money (signed a 5 year, 52 mil deal with the Marlins before the 05’ season) for a below average defensive player in his mid 30’s, but for the past 10 years , you could pretty much pencil him in for batting .275 with at least 35 home runs and 100+ RBI’s.
He’s a peaceful man who stands by his beliefs. He caught some big time flack for quietly protesting the war in Iraq by not standing for God Bless America in 2004. But he certainly wasn’t wrong in his reasoning for it (the Iraq war may very well be, “the stupidest war ever"). And it’s too bad the Mets apparently have a policy against it, because more people in the public eye should be expressing their displeasure with what’s going on.
He’s also an intelligent man who doesn’t appreciate it when he’s not treated that way. When the Mets were trying to sign every available Latino superstar under the sun after the 2004 season, Delgado snubbed them for Florida. What was his reasoning? He didn’t like the way the Mets were trying to persuade him by playing upon his heritage. It takes some top quality cojones to turn away more money over that.
Also, he looks like he’s having fun on the field, and apparently, he’s not a dick off the field.
All in all, he’s a class act with principles and I enjoy rooting for him.

Carlos Beltran makes a ton of money ($119 mil over 7 years signed before 05’ season). He’s a 5-tooler (which is a description that always raises my suspicions) that’s arguably the best all-around outfielder in the game. He can do it all. And one postseason he did. He also did pretty damn good last season too. His legacy may already be set because of it (financially he certainly is).
For all his accolades, I don’t get much enjoyment watching him play. Although a big fan of the team, I don’t pull for him like I do the other guys in the lineup.
With his pretty boy looks (despite the mole), I think he’s got a lot of A-Rod in him, all the way down to striking out looking for the last out in the playoffs. I’m hoping he mixed some curveballs into his ocular pitching machine this off-season.
For someone rolling in dough for playing a game, he seems petulant. Last season he needed Julio Franco’s urging to get him out of the dugout for a curtain call and bitched about how the fans aren’t his friends thru thick and thin afterwards. Guess what buddy? You’re not playing in Kansas City anymore. The fans here don’t just show up and root for the guys wearing the white laundry. They know what you’re capability is and expect you to perform up to it. If you didn’t want to get criticized you should have signed with Houston for less money.
And while his salary may actually be a good value given what happened last off-season, I do begrudge him for having a slimeball agent (Boras) that demanded more money from the Mets while propositioning the Yankees for less money using the Mets offer for leverage.
I hope someone shows him some A-Rod comparison footage from last year to this year to demonstrate how good he could be if he was more aggressive. He’s got an all-time great hitter in Carlos Delgado batting behind him in the lineup. I’m tired of him taking pitches he should be hitting for strikes and then either taking called 3rd strikes or hitting weak groundouts. Jose Reyes may be leading the league in runs scored, but he probably leads the league in getting stranded in scoring position too.
While early returns show Beltran is having a better season thus far than Delgado, it’s going to take a lot more than better numbers for me to show the same reverence towards both of them. Fortunately for Beltran, I can easily be swayed with an MVP season and World Series victory.

HGH = BS?

I found this link in Rob Neyer's blog on ESPN. Apparently, there is no evidence that HGH has any performing enhancing abilities. It has been shown to make muscles bigger (as well as your organs), but it doesn't actually make you stronger, faster or more coordinated. Some one probably should have told this to Eddie Gurerreo.

The Landlord

Um... Marcus Vick's not taking Spring Classes, right?

Too soon probably?

The I.O.C. just announced the new Olymipc Sport that will be introduced at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, replacing Baseball and Softball.

All of America's college students and fraternity members have been drowning themselves in beer at pandemic proportions since the International Olympic Committee has announced that they will be finally replacing baseball and softball with Men's, Women's, and Mixed Beirut (Also called Beer Pong). The U.S. team will begin holding tryouts at the beginning of July and will hopefully find the best 10 Beer Pongers in the country to represent the U.S. in the Summer Olympics in Beijing in 2008. Tryouts will begin with U.S. Olympic committee evaluators visiting select college campuses throughout the country to determine who the best of the best actually are. The U.S. Olympic committee hopes to have a team ready for training by February 2008. Training most likely will be done in the Denver area due to its high altitude, which should help benefit the teams stamina. The I.O.C. has approved the use of Beijing Beer (Beijing Pijiu) as the official beer of the competition after numerous false reports that such a beer was made with formaldehyde to lock in the flavor. Extensive testing on Beijing Pijiu by BALCO labs in San Francisco has deemed that rumor as false. OH the memories of beer pong, especially strip beer pong with the ladies. Now those were the days!

Press Conference Reveals David Ortiz Clearly Doesn't Know Who Jackie Robinson Is

COME HUG DA PAPI!!!!

Via The Onion:

BOSTON—David Ortiz's halting, stammered response to a question regarding baseball legend Jackie Robinson directed to him in a clubhouse press conference Tuesday demonstrated that the designated hitter clearly has no idea who Robinson was or what he was talking about. "Oh, yeah, I know that guy. We played ball together, you know, couple years, when we were both younger. How's he doing, anyway?" Ortiz said, dismissively, eliciting puzzled murmurs from the assembled reporters. "Jack played some good ball. Man was always a lot of fun to be around." When reporters attempted to bail Ortiz out by asking leading questions concerning the many barriers Robinson broke, Ortiz responded by saying he had heard the news, that he certainly hoped Robinson would be okay, and that Jackie should not have been driving drunk in the first place.