Inappropriate Hugs

2011-08-31T22:33:00.001-05:00

2011-08-31T22:32:00.000-05:00

Fantasy Football Atchive Photos

2011-08-11T10:43:00.001-05:00

Vick Sentenced to Almost 14 Dog Years

2007-12-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

Mike Vick was sentenced to 23 months today by a Federal Judge due to his role in the highly under publicized dog fighting scandal he was caught up in recently.

My puppy thinks he got off easy and told me, "Woof woof......23 months doesn't adequately remedy the damage that he has done to his community. He has set back the public image of young black athletes a decade because of his antics. Woof."

The current over/under on Vick references for tonights MNF football game between the Falcons and the Saints is currently set at 58.

Redface

2007-10-17T10:16:00.000-05:00

I go to ESPN.com this morning and see these guys on their homepage:

I'm a tough one to offend, but I would imagine many people would find a couple whiteys painting their faces red in imitation of an Amos n' Andy era logo kind of fucked up.

What, it wasn't enough to take their land and kill them thru epidemics?

Now we publicize our comical view of their appearance all over the media.

I'm not saying the Indians logo is hurtful or that these guys shouldn't be allowed to dress up like that and go to the game...

I just think they shouldn't have been shown at all (let alone too many times to count) by Fox on TV and as the headline photo on the country's most popular sports website.

Another WIS Promo Code...

2007-10-15T11:46:00.000-05:00

I came across another promotional code for WhatIfSports.
This one's good for a free season of Gridiron Dynasty at WhatIfSports.com

The code is CFBPCKGD

It expires at the end of November...

I've never played the game, I'm not really into College Football, so we'll see how it goes...

If interested in playing alongside me, I'm in World 6, in the Old Dominion Athletic Conference at Randolph Macon...

Enjoy!

In other news...

Is anyone else really excited about the upcoming American Gangster movie?

That shit looks gangsta.

Any movie that takes place in the 70's, involves non-fiction gangsters, drugs, 'nam, and Russell Crowe is gonna be awesome. That commerical with Heart of the City by Jay-Z playing (who's doing the whole soundtrack (music inspired by the movie)) really has me geeked up for it. I feel like they made that movie for my own personal entertainment.

Knicks Have Interesting Vehicle for Exciting Community

2007-10-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

I'm watching The Office last night and during a commercial break I check out the Knicks exhibition game against Marcus Fizer and the Maccabi Elite Tel Aviv on the MSG channel. It too goes to commerical...

And what a commercial it was. Check this shit out:

The Groove Truck. Dolan was apparently disappointed the name "Bang Bus" was already taken.

The commercial shows a whole lot of balls flying around and some shots of Knicks players... Starbury included.

There's no doubt Knicks community-relations coordinator Kathleen Decker had a hand in this concept. That bitch. It's ok, I'm white too. That fat white golddiggin' slut bitch. Really, it's ok.

So, are you going to get in the truck?

Fuck. No. See that shit, run.

Fuck you too, Tommy.

2007-10-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

So Glavine's going to be declining his player option for 2008...

How will the Mets ever replace this saboteur?

For hard hitting sports coverage, I always go to the Village Voice... They had some good shots at the un-devastated one here...

As my send off, I give you the public this: glavinec@bellsouth.net

I came across his wife's email address when I was doing the post about Tommy's quest for 300... I thought it would be inappropriate to post though. Now, not so much.

Feel free to e-mail Christine and Tommy your best wishes on their future endeavors.

Worst Collapse Ever? It's not so bad... It's not so bad...

2007-10-02T18:23:00.000-05:00

So the Mets are once again the butt of the jokes...
Familiar territory for this Mets fan unfortunately.

Anyway... here's why I don't feel this "collapse" was the worst ever:

To be a true calamity, you would think the team was just steamrolling any and all comers and fell apart at the end. This team was not rolling any steam since the summer started. The 2007 Mets record by month went as follows:

April: 15-9
May: 19-9
June: 12-15
July: 13-14
August: 15-13
September: 14-14

Check out that September record. 14-14. The horror! No. It was their second best record in the past 4 months. This team was very mediocre.

Not sure if you heard this, but the Mets lost the biggest lead with the least games to play (7 game lead with 17 games left). Wow. That fucking sucks.
Doesn't sound worse to me than the 64' Phillies though. The Phillies lost a 6 1/2 game lead with 12 games left to play that year. With 13 games left, the Mets lead had already gone all the way down to 1 1/2. This collapse happened 2 weeks ago, not in the last weekend.

Once the year got rolling I never got the feeling that these guys would amount to much.
Their starting pitchers were led by a 40 something El Duque who can't stay healthy when it matters most, a 42 year old Atlanta Brave reject who already reached the milestone that he cared too much about and was obviously anxious to hit the links, a former great in Pedro who unfortunately was getting into shape in the games that mattered the most, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in Oliver Perez, and John Maine, who I have nothing bad to say about other than he was getting worse and worse as the year went on, but totally redeemed himself Saturday. Sprinkle in turds like Brian Lawrence, Chan Ho Park and the garbage rookies, and there's no way this team goes anywhere. Combine them with a shakey bullpen that got overworked by the end of the year and it's suprising the team went as far as they did. It wasn't going to get it done. And that's the main reason why I'm not too disappointed by this.

Here's my hope:
This is just the kick in the ass these mf'ers need to play to the best of their ability. If they cruised into the playoffs and made it to the World Series, dancing their way there, and got their ass kicked by teams with not just a good lineup, but good starting pitching too, then maybe this season would have been a success. And I probably would have agreed. And then they would have played the same complacent, hot doggin' way next year. And they'd never reach their potential.

But with this... This has to humble the shit out these guys. Maybe these assholes won't do the dumb shit they've been doing (making the last out of an inning stealing 3rd base, getting picked off 2nd base, making 10 errors in 2 must win games to the Nationals, dancing and shit). They've got a lot to prove. Now they'll have the ol' chip on the shoulder. How will they react? I'm anxious to see.

(unfortunately for the Mets, Mr. Delgado was unable to carry Jeter's jock)

I'm resigned to the fact that the teams I root for don't win (and lose in ball crunching fashion). Between the Mets, Jets, and Knicks I've had my share of heartache over the 20 something years of blind faith in them. Kind of numb to the whole disappointment thing at this point. A glutton for punishment apparently. But I don't give up on them. I live here... and they play here. They're my teams. For better or worse. That's how it goes.

And when any of them finally win it... all this bitterness will make it that much sweeter.
That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

I'm Done

2007-09-30T23:52:00.000-05:00

As of September 27, 2007 I am no longer a fan of the Mets. That was the day I stopped watching the team. After getting the shit kicked out of them by HGH boy and the Cardinals, I knew it was over. I didn't watch a single inning or read one article about this shitty team. I have had it! This fucking team has broken my heart so many different times I can't take anymore. It all started for me...............

-In 1990 offseason when they let Strawberry go to L.A and choked to the Pirates down the stretch
-1992's infamous Worst Team Money can buy.
-1998's choke in the last five games against the Expos sandwiched between 10 years of misery
-Trading for Armondo Benitez and Bobby Bonilla before the 1999 season
-Getting the shit beat out of us every year by Atlanta from 1995-2007
-2000 WS
-Brian Jordan's grand slam off of John Franco after 9/11to end the season
-Benitez blowing three saves in a row to Atlanta that same week in 01'
-Having John Franco as the closer for what seemed like ten years
-Then Mel Rojas then Benitez then Looper then Billy Wagner
-Losing 2 out of three games to the Yankees every time they play each other in interleague play
-Wilpon not giving Arod what he deserved in 2000
-Wilpon then not signing Guerrero a couple of years later
-Kazmir
-Beltran sriking out LOOKING
-Not resigning Bradford
-Mota
-And finally the joke that was 2007

Well Fuck You New York Mets I'm Done

Soulja Boy- Crank That (Travis Barker Remix)

2007-09-27T17:25:00.000-05:00

I actually think Travis Barker is a GIGANTIC tool, but this is pretty cool:

Bizzarebury

2007-09-13T15:19:00.000-05:00

This interview with Stephon "Hope in My Truck" Marbury is just weird.

The Onion

2007-09-04T22:29:00.001-05:00

I used to love picking up a copy of The Onion anytime I was down in Manhattan, and I am still a devoted fan of TheOnion.com. I am happy to say that after some tepid success when it first started, The Onion News Network (The Onion's fake news channel) has finally hit its stride.

In case you aren't "in the know", here are a few clips to get you hooked.

Should We Be Shaming Our Obese Children?

In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

Multiple Stab Wounds Bad for Monkey's Life

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

The Terror of Terrorist Ghosts

In The Know: War On Terror

Inappropriate Hugs Gives Back to the Children

2007-08-13T10:25:00.000-05:00

We here at IH know that the children are our future, so with a little help from GI Joe, here are some tips for all you little rascals that read this website.

Hide and Seek....Not Suffocate and Die:

Don't Steal a Gay Sailor's Bicycle:

Don't Take Medicine Unless A Black Man in a 1930's Football Helmet Gives You the Green Light:

This one is only included because BBQ's accent was just ridiculous:

Chocolate Rain

2007-08-12T22:25:00.001-05:00

If you watch more than 2 minutes of this video, you will be singing this song for the rest of the week. Guaranteed.

This might take awhile...

2007-08-01T11:02:00.000-05:00

Fun stuff watching the Mets game last night...

I'm not a big Tom Glavine fan (years of him pitching for the Braves will do that), so I'm in no rush to see him get his 300th win.

Man he must be pissed this morning...

He only gave up two hits, the Mets missed many opportunities to break the game open, and he had to rely on the awful Guillermo Mota in the 8th to hold the lead.

He trotted his whole family out to freaking Milwaukee to see it...

And that's where the real highlights of the game were.

When SNY interviewed his foxy wife, she seemed like she was going to fall to pieces if he didn't get the win... And when the Mets blew the game in the 8th, she looked like someone whose kitten just got hit by a car. Funny stuff.

I will definitely be watching the next one in Chicago. I hate all the coverage about him and his quest for 300 wins, but I can tolerate it if I get to see him get shafted like that along with the numerous shots of his angry, sexy wife.

Here's the best I could do for a picture of his lovely second wife Christine:

If this keeps up, there will surely be more.

Also, it was kind of weird that the Milwaukee fans gave him a standing ovation when he came out of the game. I understand there's no bad blood between the Brewers and Glavine, but if I was on the Brewers I'd be a bit disappointed by my fans with that...

Maybe the Mets can pick up a dominant middle reliever so we won't have to worry about this next time? What's that, the trade deadline passed? Oh well. Maybe next year.

Curtain Call: Curtis Martin

2007-07-27T09:52:00.000-05:00

When I heard that Curtis Martin was planning to officially announce his retirement, my first thought was, "No shit, you mean he's not gonna run around 350 lb motherfuckers with that bone on bone? Everyone knows he's not playing again. Is the announcement really necessary?"

Well, apparently it was for me.

As I see stories about his retirement and I hear ad-nauseam how he's 4th on the All-Time NFL Rushing List, I realize, as a Jets fan and a fan of the NFL, I should have been a bit more appreciative of him and his career.

I did the math in my head on what 4th on the All-Time Rushing list meant... Emmitt Smith of the Arizona Cardinals shamelessly broke Walter Payton's record, and Barry Sanders was nipping at Payton's record when he hung em' up, so that means Martin's behind those 3 guys. Really? That's pretty fucking incredible. I didn't feel like I was watching the 4th most successful rusher in NFL history. But I should have.

On top of being the team's all-time leading rusher, something that really puts what he's meant to the Jets franchise in perspective is all the way down at the bottom of his Wikipedia entry:

New York Jets Starting Running Back
1998-2005
Preceded by Adrian Murrell
Succeeded by Kevan Barlow

I would be remiss not to acknowledge his off the field triumphs as well. Curtis had a tough upbringing, but made it out as successfully as one could. In this day and age of self-promotion, commercialism and stupidity, Curtis kept a relatively low profile (outside of one awful McDonald's commercial with that whore Tiki). A true class act, in a time when they're so hard to find.

It's been tough being a Jets fan my whole life, but Curtis Martin surely made it a whole lot more respectable for almost a decade. His character and abilities will be missed.

Salute!

A Closer Look at Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! ...

2007-07-20T22:24:00.000-05:00

I read this post about Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! from Little Brother rapper Phonte's blog and wanted to share it with the group here... Very funny stuff...

The game was developed by some Japanese guys, not whitey... so his theory can't be all true... Unless those Nintendo guys were just a front... Could be...

If you want to stroll down memory lane without digging out and blowin' the ol' NES game, you can play it here, courtesy of a link provided by Chase Utley's # 1 Grown Male-fan.

Movie Star Machine:

2007-07-17T12:05:00.000-05:00

Check out the trailer. I found out last night that i was in this movie, and the trailer, and was invited to the premiere tonight, it won a Sundance!!!

Hockey Fights

2007-07-12T12:19:00.000-05:00

With the coming out of the NHL schedule yesterday. I would like the world to start getting pumped up for hockey by paying tribute some of the best hockey fighters that have ever played in the NHL. It may be a lost art in this sport, but it will never be totally outlawed.

The best of all-time: Bob Probert

The Best Heavyweight Series: Bob Probert vs Tie Domi (9 fights total)

A close second: The Southpaw Dave Brown (Stu Grimson was a great fighter as well)

Today's Best Overall: George Laraque (Brute Strength)

The Best Knock Out Ever: Coltin Orr vs Todd Fedoruk

Best Goalie Fight: Dan Cloutier (The rookie Whoops Some Isle Ass)

A Close Second: Ray Emery vs the Buffalo Sabres (the whole team)

Rickey's gonna teach y'all how to hit now.

2007-07-12T09:10:00.000-05:00

This is great news for the NY sports media...

Having Rickey as the batting instructor on this team with such frustrating hitting practices should provide much fodder. Good times are coming...

Hopefully we'll get some more John Olerud, "Used to play wit' a guy who wore a helmet in the field back in Toronto" type encounters... I love that one.

And any grown man who refers to themself in the third person is comedy gold...Good to hear Rick Down went out taking a shot at Ledee... Kudos for that.

Watch your back Julio Franco... Rickey's bout' to cop that roster spot.

In all seriousness... I like the change. This team's too damn complacent with their offensive struggles. And Rickey's a straight-shooter who likes to shake shit up nowadays. He did a great job working with Reyes... The players gotta listen to a guy with Rickey's credentials more than Rick who never made it passed AA ball. Hopefully that translates into better hitting.

Wait till 2011

2007-07-10T00:48:00.000-05:00

Let's face it, the Knicks will probably never win a championship as long as Dolan is the owner. This is the same guy who hired Scott Layden and gave Don Chaney two contract extensions. Ohhh and I almost forgot to mention he gave Isiah Thomas a 5 year 30 million dollar extension.

This team is pretty much screwed. I really wasn't too happy with the Randolph trade because he is just another scorers who doesn't play defense or make his teamates any better. Wow, the Knicks gave up nothing but they didn't really gain anything either. The bar is set so low I guess that's why some people are happy with this trade but I'm not one of them.

I would love for the Knicks to dump Marbury but that will never happen because he makes as much money as Kobe Bryant. I really don't like Eddy Curry..........I hate this whole Fucking team. They are a complete mess and Isiah has no clue what he is doing. This jerkoff has ruined this team, and I think it is time we start thinking about becoming Brooklyn Net fans.

I have come up with a solution for the Knicks. Don't take on another contract longer then 3 years. The reason is simple. This is what the free agent class of 2011 looks like.

1 Bosh
2 Amare
3 Dirk
4 Lebron
5 Wade
6 Oden
7 Kobe
8 Parker

If Isiah doesn't make a move till then we will be under the cap bc every contract will be expired.
Lebron will be 26 then too.

For now let's trade Crawford and Nate for Battier.

Dice-K the Last of the Mohicans?

2007-07-07T11:14:00.000-05:00

Where has the creativity gone? The fun? The popularity? It is true the nickname has fallen. With exception of Dice-K (I know I dogged his nickname on a past post, but that is not the point of this current post), the use of nicknames in professional Sports is at pandemic low levels. Could Dice-K be last sportsman to ever don a nickname? Nicknames are an integral part of the game and need to make a comeback in a strong way.
Here is the article from Newsweek on the issue:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19620053/site/newsweek/

Some of my favorites:
Everyday Eddie Guardado
Lou the Douche
The Machine
Hells Bells (Trevor Hoffman)
The Sultan of Swat (Babe Ruth)
Hammer'in Hank Aaron
Jolt'in Joe (DiMaggio)
The Great One (Wayne Gretzky)
The Messiah (Mark Messier)
Prime Time (Deion Sanders)
Oil Can (Dennis) Boyd
The Wizard of Oz (Ozzie Smith)
The Matrix (Shaun Marion)

Life After Mike

2007-07-07T00:02:00.000-05:00

After my main man Mike Tyson was finally put out of his misery by that hasbeen from Ireland, a part of me was sad. We all grew up playing the video game and later on, watching the "Free Tyson" shirts in the Naughty by Nature videos. In the 90s after Mike got out of jail, everyone was curious to see if he could revert back to his old form. It took a bunch of ass beatings for everyone including Mike himself to realize he was done.

Now, boxing's biggest draw is De La Hoya, who is well past his prime and overrated. Boxing is also hurt by mixed martial arts mania which is fastly becoming the 3rd most watched sport in the country. I really don't understand why. These guys would get the shit beat out of them by any good prize fighter in boxing. A lot of mixed martial arts fans would retort by saying that the boxer would be grappled and wrestled to submission. From what I have seen a good boxer would knock these martial arts guys out before they were grappled.

There seems to be a consensus among boxing experts and journalists, that the current heavyweight champion is playing in the NFL or the NBA. The names in the heavyweight divison are names out of a Cold War espionage novel. Every contender seeming has left the former Soviet Union for the boxing riches in America. American athletes especially in the inner city want to chase the cash that the NFL and the NBA offer.

I put together a list of guys in boxing that are interesting and talented.

1. "Bad" Chad Dawson 24-0 beat the living shit out of Jesus Ruiz who is hard throwing light heavyweight. Dawson is a light heavyweight and is a guy who will rule this division.

2. Winky Wright this guy is one of the most underrated in his division. Look for him to school Bernard Hopkins in their upcoming bout.

3. Evander Holyfield. The guy is punch drunk and 44 years old but give him credit he won his last two fights and might get a shot at the title. And what's not to love about a guy who has more kids than Shawn Kemp.

4. Floyd Mayweather Jr. Pound for pound the best fighter in the sport. He is cocky and awesome. Plus he kicked the shit out of De La Hoya.

5. Miguel Cotto. The new hero of Puerto Rico replacing Trinidad. This guy might be the only middleweight to beat Mayweather Jr. He is quick,tough,and when he fights people they are never the same.

Beltran

2007-07-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

He is an integral part of their success. I know he is an above average fielder, has decent speed, and is a decent bat for CF. But I am not a fan. It seems to me that everytime he comes up in a big spot he does nothing. You guys saw him light it up at philly but I still think he sucks. He is on my alltime hated list with the likes of:

1. Pat Ewing

2. John Franco

3. Armondo Benitez

4. Scott (the ass sniffer) Brosius

5. Robby Alomar

6. Clarence Weatherspoon

7. Antonio McDyess

8. Scott Layden

9. Steve Phillips

10.Howard Eisley

Feel free to add to the list.

Kissena Pigskin Cash

2007-07-05T19:09:00.000-05:00

I am reporting that the 2007 Kissena Pigskin Cash ESPN Fantasy Football site is now live as of 07/05/07 at 1900hrs. For all those involved in the keeper league please check the site and your e-mail for more details.

Road Trip Review

2007-07-03T17:30:00.000-05:00

Last week, the annual Great American Baseball Road Trip took place...
Following the success of the quickly thrown together trip to Cleveland and Pittsburgh last season, this years trip was less strenuous, more planned out, and did not disappoint.

The destinations were Baltimore and Philadelphia... Their opponents were the Yankees and the Mets. How would cheering on our respective home teams go in visiting parks? Very well...

We (Big Nasty, Bad Steve, Young James, and Anthony (no nickname)) drove down from NY on Thursday. It was a brutally hot day and made for a general group malaise upon arrival in dilapidated Baltimore. After walking around the humid, beggar-laden harbor for a bit and getting our pre-game eat and drink on, we went over to the breath-taking Camden Yards. Not sure what else one would want out of a ballpark than that. Perhaps a real team to play in it maybe.

There were too many Yankees fans in our section. It was like we were in Yankee Stadium, except everyone was white and knew each other... Not really a fun group to be stuck around. So there was absolutely no threat of getting into anything with any of the Orioles fans unfortunate enough to be where we were sitting.

The game was tight between Wang and Cabrera... Typical entertaining AL game: lots of back and forth and running around bases... Then the clouds opened up and the night was pretty fucked. We left our seats for higher, drier ground... And we found our way to a couple groups that felt the need to punch each other in the heads based on their rooting interests. The guys in the Ripken t-shirts were on one side against the black guys who weren't security guards.

We waited out a couple rain delays and the game was eventually called with the Yankees leading by 2 in the 8th, to be picked up from that point on July 27th when the Yankees come back to town. Don't think we're gonna drive down to see it when play resumes. Scott Proctor can blow that lead without our help for sure. The rain did let up but we were left soggy so we just walked around lovely Baltimore and called it a night. The highlight of our trip to the hotel was accidentally walking thru the mega-sketchy strip-club block and having one of the barker's say, "I smell pussies" after we declined his invite to come in with no cover charge. Fucking degenerates.

The next morning we headed right out for Philly for the 1:30 game... Of course, the rain resumed in the morning and it looked like another shit day for a ballgame.
Fortunately, it let up and the game started as scheduled. They do have some really good food options at Citizen's Bank Park... but all in all it wasn't as nice as some of the other parks we've gone to (hard to get to our seats, can't walk around stadium without detours, parking and traffic a bitch, far from downtown).

After some shenanigans by Charlie Manuel got El Duque pissed off,

things were looking good for the visiting Mets as my man Delgado smashed a homer out of this ballparks silly dimensions.
There were plenty of Mets fans here... But they were spaced out whereas the Yankee fans seemed more clustered in Camden. When the Mets opened up a 5 run lead, it was time to go exploring...

While waiting on a line for some ice cream, some poor woman got hit by a mustard bomb. I didn't see it happen, but I heard it. And after it happened, no joke, she was wiping mustard off her face for 10 minutes (a lot of people wanted ice cream so I got a long look at the mess). I felt bad for her. It was right in front of the "smoking pen" which is gross in its own right, and many people were laughing. I didn't laugh, but I did feel the need to document her plight. Mustard bomb lady, if you're out there, I feel for you.

Any ticket holder can get dangerously close to the visitor's bullpen here. In fact I might have gotten a steroid contact high just from standing there.

When we got back to our seats, Jose Reyes was stewing for being called out trying to steal. The replay showed he was safe, but he really acted like a baby about it between innings, refusing to put his glove and hat on, not throwing the ball around, needing the Latino coalition to counsel him...

Mota and the rest of the pen did what they could to give the game back, but Billy da Kid was coming on in the 9th, much to the delight of the fans, especially the dick in the Romano jersery...

A "Let's Go Phillies" chant was quickly turned around into "Let's go Billy" and stupid Phillie fans clapped along with us... 3 up, and 3 k's later, Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "Taking Care of Business" was being sung by a horribly clapping Anthony and it was party time.

After a miserable time getting out of the parking lot (gotta love split double-headers), we headed to the famous dueling Cheesesteak spots, Pat's and Geno's.

Going off anonymous recommendations and appearance of the lines, we opted for Pat's.
Cheez whiz, onions, and steak is the bomb.

We then checked into our nice downtown Philly hotel and got in shape for the night-time activities. This is Anthony's hairy left foot while ironing. His pinky toe nails were the subject of much ballyhoo.

For the second game of the double header, we cheered the Mets on at a local pub. After Wagner closed the Phillies out again and we exchanged high-fives, a girl behind us asked to no one in particular, "Do they realize they're in Philadelphia? New York Mother Fuckers." That was fun. We eventually moved on to the next establishment where we were treated much better by the lovely women of Philadelphia the rest of the night.

All in all, a great trip, with Baltimore having the nicer ballpark, but Philly having the waaaay nicer city for a young man.

And as a treat, here's the CD that was made especially for the trip that never made it due to a good ol' CD burner malfunction. Enjoy.

The Podium Girls' Burden

2007-06-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

Sure seems like an easy payday... Stand up there, look pretty, and give a peck on the cheek to the victorious athlete.

But check out Mr. Schleck's snot drip shortly after peddling to victory in the 4th Stage of the Tour de Suisse in Liechtenstein Tuesday...

That's some nasty shit... I give the chicks some credit for hanging in there and finishing the job.

One would think having a name like Schleck and looking all nasty in biker shorts and shit would turn the girls away... However, judging by this pic of him smirking on the cell with the broad to his right, he's doing mighty fine.

I always hated guys who do faggy things and pull hot bitches. These bastards may be the worst of them. But checking out some of these pics, I wonder if it's not too late for me to stuff a sock in my draws and squeeze into some spandex, throw on some Oakley's and a Pop Tarts jacket, do a few dozen cycles of anabolics, and get in the race.

If Landis can get a spritey looking chick

and Mr. Pink Tie-Dyed Discovery Channel Shirt dork can get this girl rubbing up on him...

then what's stopping me?

Oh yeah... talent, ambition, and a sponsor. Damn.

Before the House of Hilton Bred Whores

2007-06-19T15:38:00.000-05:00

Before the House of Hilton Bred Whores….

June 13th, 2007
There’s a great quip told that when someone wants to act stupid, get out of their way and let them. This general notion, I submit, needs to be extended to cover other acts. Considering there has been much concern expressed that Paris may be putting her own mortality in jeopardy, I say, if someone wants to kill themselves, let’s do the same thing we’d do when someone comes around wanting to act stupid — get the hell out of their way and let them. In the case of Paris Hilton, or any other slobberish, sleazy, starlet (or star), I, for one, just don’t give a damn. If you ask me what I think — and thousands that I don’t have the time to individually respond to do — I think it’s much better to have the ruinously run lives rotting underground rather than having them run loose ruining the lives of the many above it. I know, I know. You’d never say it — but you knew I would. You’re welcome.
Years ago, long before Paris Hilton, conceived by disinterested sperm and egg donors too regal and haughty to ever be caretaking parents themselves (so raised by nannies), blossomed into the cheap, self-centered scofflaw and squealing tramp she is today, I discovered a great, powerful book in a bedside drawer one night while staying, weirdly enough it seems to me now, in a eponymously named Hilton Hotel, the Hotel empire her Great-Grandfather founded and built. Since Paris is going to have some free, uninterrupted time on her hands over the next couple of weeks (in between ingesting all the psychiatric drugs she needs to sustain her insanity), she might want to read it. I really doubt that she ever has.
No, I don’t mean the ubiquitous Bible you can find in nearly every hotel room. I mean “Be My Guest,” written by Conrad Hilton, her Great-Grandfather. If she took the time to turn its pages (and, yes, phonetically slur her way through pages, of course) she’d discover just what kind of timid, third-rate adventurer and wanton, fallen angel she truly is. She’d also discover, perhaps shamefully so, what hard work, perseverance and integrity her remarkable Great-Grandfather invested of himself to not only succeed at building the Hilton empire, which she and her siblings and other relatives now parasitically revel in, but what life principles he observed and honed to truly become a man who lived a full, powerful and grand life that came to be admired by people from all over the World (see book link and PDF Biography file attached).
Unfortunately, Paris Hilton was destined to become the ungrateful, snobbish, pretentious, pouty-lipped skank she has become. Her Dad — one half of the atrocious parent couple she was spawned to — got his lessons of ingratitude from his own father, Barron Hilton, one of Conrad’s sons. When Conrad passed away, still competently running the company at 91 years of age before he suddenly died of natural causes, Barron disagreed with his old man’s will-ed wishes to leave each sibling only $250,000 and most of the rest to the Roman Catholic Church. So after they laid Conrad to rest, eulogizing, I suspect, what a great and worthy father and man he was, Barron went to pissing all over his old man’s fresh grave as he got busy contesting his final, dying wishes. Mind you, never publicly contesting his father’s saneness or the fact that his Dad was the one that built the empire and that it was his wealth and money to do with what he damn well pleased.
No, he went and hired some shameless lawyers (likely at his dead Dad’s expense) who were semantically well-versed in the kind of stylish, obfuscating language that works real well when performing the fantastic storytelling demanded by fabricated legal briefs, the kind of language and stories that his own tough, upstanding father never put up with and many times punched right back into the smart-assed mouths of the same kind of litigious smart-asses. Decently raised to know that blood is thicker than water, Barron figured he’d one-up his Dad and take mentoring to the next level by teaching future generation of Hiltons that huge stacks of cash, piled greedily one atop another, are even thicker than blood. Of course, it’s always easier to make your court case when the defendant is dead. Then again, what do any of us plebeians know? Hundreds of millions of dollars might just be enough to cover the ransom your conscience forever demands once you hang this kind of covetous guilt around your own neck. Seems to work pretty well today for some of our most notable celebrities, including politicians.
It’s interesting to pay serious attention here to the deterioration parallels. They aren’t a coincidence. The character of the Hilton name has fallen in disgrace at the same pace and level as America’s, and most American’s, cultural integrity. Less than 100 years ago it was pride in the job one provided and the quality of principle the individual practiced that created and stood for success. Now it’s how pathetically low your behavior can go and how many paparazzi will jeopardize their own life and limb to sychophantically follow you around photographing your vulgar acts one after the other. All of the latter, mind you, now financed by the former.
Even those you might expect to stand up for regard of the law are, in the way they are handling the coverage of this, confessing their own ignorance and two-faced deceit. Many presumably knowledgeable pundits (including conservative Fox News personalities) have said, “Paris isn’t being treated fairly, she’s definitely getting a raw deal.”
Like hell she is. What and Who are getting a raw deal are our laws and the law-abiding citizens of this country. Laws are not unfair or fair. The law is simply THE LAW. It just IS. What the law is, is what the law is. Plain and simple. Laws are not (supposed) to be subject to relativity. Once they are, they are no longer laws. We can, again, thank the deteriorated culture and its relativity that this “anarchy” is becoming more and more the case. Using previous instances of leniency shown to other celebrity lawbreakers, some even committing more serious crimes, is not the gauge to use to determine appropriate punishment for Paris. The punishments already on the books are! Just as it was in every other lenient punishment enforcement instance before now. Unfortunately, in those previous instances no one was paying attention to it as so many are now because of the frenzied media debate going on. The leniency that was applied wrongly before is not what anyone should being use, now, to judge what is fair or unfair for Paris. Instead of once again using popularity, feelings and program ratings to rationalize continued leniency, what should be done is that an end is put to any more tolerance of it once and for all. Once punishment for breaking the law is determined by popularity, celebrity status and money, those who don’t have these things, yet have the decency and discipline to abide by the laws, are the very ones being treated unfairly and getting the raw deal.
If Paris Hilton is the prostitute now finding herself being made the example, so be it. We all come to make the beds we lie in. She’s made hers, too. And you can bet it’s not the filthiest one she’s ever been handcuffed to. Give me a break. She’s an absolute tramp. Her $1000 an ounce perfumes can’t begin to conceal her slutty stench.
Who knows, maybe she will become better for having the experience. She admits she “used to act dumb,” says she is through with it — isn’t going to act dumb anymore. She also says, “God has given me this new chance,” and that she’s “much more spiritual” and her “spirit and soul did not like the way I was being seen.” She’s even said she “might build Paris Hilton playhouses, where sick children might come, and the toy companies could donate toys.” Of course, I’m not holding my breath. And, since this all began, I haven’t lost one minute of sleep. One thing for sure. After saying these dumb things in the same interview she informs us she’s no longer going to act dumb, it’s obvious she means that she intends to drop the dumb act after she gets out of jail, not before.

Conrad Hilton Biography-PDF file
Your Founding Father of Ring Intensity,
Always Believe,
Warrior

Mets v. Mercenary

2007-06-15T11:43:00.000-05:00

You know this prick wanted no part of this series.
In 10 career regular-season starts against the Mets, Clemens is 3-5 with a 5.14 earned run average. And now he's even older and hasn't faced a major league lineup this year. And the Mets lineup isn't loaded with the likes of Rey Ordonez and Jeromy Burnitz anymore.
Billy must've thought he was pitching against the D-Backs otherwise he wouldn't have showed up for that series.
When A-Rod hit the homerun off the facade of the upper deck in left Wednesday night, the whole team jumped off the bench to cheer. Not Clemens. He sat and high-fived ~~his steroid supplier~~ his groin masseuse. A million dollars a start? For this bastard? I really don't know how you cheer for these assholes.
Yanks have won 9 in a row. Mets have dropped 9 of 10. 2 teams heading in different directions. But the Mets are in first with a 2 game lead, the Yanks are in second, 7 1/2 out. I have a feeling this is just the wake up call Ricky Ledee and the Mets need. Win or lose, it's nice to know I'll still have a soul. Yankees fans can't quite say the same.

I think it's time for a little payback for a couple incidents many moons ago.

What Shawn Estes tried to do wasn't enough for me.

Barring what would be a violent World Series, this is the last time the Mets face this asshole.

For real this time. Let's embarrass this douchebag.

Tony Larussa Ultimate Baseball Inspired WIS Sim League

2007-06-04T13:37:00.000-05:00

Given the recent success filling the All Black QB Football League over at WhatIfSports.com, Inappropriate Hugs is back at again, this time with a league for good ol’ baseball.

The league is themed after the classic Tony Larussa Ultimate Baseball game. While Larussa may be right up there on my All-Time Sports Douchebag list, I was always able to look beyond his frightening face and waste countless hours playing the game he helped design.

As a freshman in college (a good 6 years after the game came out mind you) my roommates and I played out an entire 162 game schedule on the PC. A nice mix of introversion, alcohol, insomnia, awful weather, lack of responsibility and money, and dedication helped us achieve such a lofty goal.

Well since those halcyon days of youth, things have gotten more complicated and I can no longer shirk away from life completely and disappear into a magical world filled with crappy graphics, shitty sound, and Tony Larussa along with some friends.
But now, thanks to the brainwork of the guys at WhatIfSports, I can try and reconstruct the days gone by using their SimLeague Baseball simulator. In putting the league together, I tried to keep to a lot of the same principles of the old Larussa game.

Anyway, here are the ground rules:

Each team owner must choose one MLB franchise to represent and can only pick players from that team to fill their roster. No 2 owners can represent the same team. The league will be made up of 24 teams, so naturally some of the current teams won’t make the cut based on what teams the public demands. See the comments section for a list of available teams. In honor of the team I played with in my Tony Larussa league 10 years ago, I have selected the Minnesota Twins. My apologies to the nice people up there that would have liked to take them.
Unlike the Tony Larussa game, I’m limiting the players to the period of time from 1985 to 2006 for the Sim League. In the old game, you would end up having matchups like Honus Wagner vs. Christy Mathewson. While that’s cool, I’m more interested in seeing players I know involved. Grover Cleveland Alexander might pwn Andre Dawson, but I don’t really care to find out.
You cannot have the same player on your team more than once. It may be nice to have an outfield made up of Barroid Bonds seasons 2001-2003, but I’m not allowing it. Unlike the Larussa game, 2 different teams can have the same player though (example, both the Pirates and Giants can have Bonds on their rosters).
Owners must place their team in their home ballpark (any parks that team played at from 85’-06’ are eligible).
Team names must contain the city/state of the team first so it is easily identifiable. Feel free to bastardize the team nickname.
A team salary cap of $100 million has been instituted. This will level the playing field so the owners that picked the better franchises over the past 20 years don’t have a huge edge. It also means more role players/bad pitchers get to be involved which makes for a fun time. In the old Larussa game, the older franchises had a huge edge because they had a bigger time span to pick players from. The salary cap will limit that problem for franchises that weren’t around in 85’.
Trades will be permitted once league is filled to allow owners to address any weaknesses/over strengths your team may have.
The AL teams will have a DH spot, the NL will not. The leagues will be realigned when filled up to adjust the divisions correctly.
When selecting a team to represent, you must post in the comments section below which team you want. You will then have 6 hours to signup for the league and fill the roster for your team. If you don’t, that team will be available to others again (doing this as a follow up to my lessons learned from the football league).
League is restricted to newbies of the SimLeague Baseball game.

To join and play for free, click on the link and use Promo Code FXFBSLB7 and join Sim League Baseball League ID MLB67335. See the comments section for teams still available in the league. The league is open to all readers, and it'd be nice to get a cross-section of fans across this great land to fill it up.

In addition to the prize from WhatIfSports, the owner of the winning team will get 2 other bonus prizes:

1) A 1990 Donruss rookie card from one of the best, most steroid abusing players of this era, 2-time AL MVP, Juan Gonzalez.

2) A 1991 NY Mets Calendar. Not exactly glory days.

Signup now and pick your favorite team… the promotional code expires at the end of the month.

Attention Ladies and Gentlemen...

2007-06-03T22:34:00.000-05:00

Your 2007 Song of the Summer has come out:

Stronger - Kanye West, featuring Daft Punk

~~Version has an annoying DJ talking over parts... Guess he doesn't want to be murdered for the leak...~~
Edit (6/10) Old link didn't work anymore... Found new link w/ out dj if anyone interested...

But damn... this song is the shit. Can't wait for the retail version...

"You know how long I been on ya,
Since Prince was on Apollonia
Since OJ had Isotoner’s
Don’t act like I never told ya."

Enjoy! (or ignore, I know that Kanye rubs many people the wrong way).

Oh... and to bring it back to sports... maybe there's some fight in these 2007 Yanks after all... Bizarro game tonight. Yanks blow 4-0 lead in the 5th (nothing new there), but they fight back late w/ A-Rod hitting the GW HR in the 9th off Papelbon... Rivera capped it off by retiring Ortiz, Ramirez, and Lowell in the bottom of the 9th (while hitting that huge goatee wearing clown Youkilis again). Turning point? We'll see...

Nice to have Benitez back at Shea...

2007-05-29T01:04:00.000-05:00

What a fun night to be a Mets fan...

And I was even fortunate enough to be at the game.

After pre-gaming with Bad Steve (the birthday boy) and Tony G at El Chicano's on the corner of 114th St and Roosevelt Ave prior to the game, we were raring to tear into Bonds, Linecum and the rest of the Giants from our Mezzanine level left-field seats.

Well, by the time we made it around to our seats, Ollie Perez and the Mets were down 2-0 courtesy of a leadoff homerun by Randy Winn and a solo shot by another pure evil Molina boy, and some guy named Ortmeier was playing in Left field.

Perez settled in though, and my man Delgado continued to show signs of being a bear waking up from hibernation tying the game with the Mets first hit of the night in the 4th...

The other Carlos, contributed with a double to bring in Reyes in the 6th, but the lead didn't hold for long as that Bonds fill in guy hit a home run to tie the game off Perez in the 7th.

In the 9th, the Mets had a chance to win it, but Julio Franco (or, as the 4o something year old guy sitting behind us refered to him, "Dad") couldn't get the ball past fellow senior citizen Omar Vizquel.

I always hated Vizquel, but man, he is smooth in the field.

After that, the Giants decided to use the bullet they had on the bench in Bonds... Needless to say, he wasn't given a hero's welcome.

Fittingly, he walked and never came around to score. Interesting to note, Ben Johnson made his Mets debut tonight... The Giants however did scrap together a run off Joe Smith in the 12th, leaving the game in the hands of their closer and former Mets "closer" Armando Benitez, much to the delight of this guy, who waited the whole game to see him come out and blow it.

Not suprisingly, the fans didn't seem to care much for all the great work Benitez did for the Mets some years ago...

Reyes led off with a walk, moved to second on a balk by the never secure Benitez and moved to 3rd on a sacrifice by Endy. That brought up Beltran who needed nothing more than a simple sacrifice fly to tie the game up. And he grounded out to the drawn in second baseman.
That left it for my man Delgado... And before the 1st pitch, Reyes was coming home on another balk by Benitez.
Man can Armando fall apart. I almost feel for Giants fans (if they didn't support a steroid laden asshole, maybe I would)...
And Delgado put Armando and the Giants out of their misery with his game-winning, second home run of the game.

Some fun post game quotes about Benitez' latest meltdown:
Delgado: "It's not my problem," Delgado said. "His job is to pitch and my job is to hit."
Benitez: "I lost the game"

It's nice to have the cool players on my team finally.

Memorial Day

2007-05-27T17:23:00.000-05:00

Memorial Day, originally called Decoration Day, is a day of remembrance for those who have died in our nation's service. There are many stories as to its actual beginnings, with over two dozen cities and towns laying claim to being the birthplace of Memorial Day. There is also evidence that organized women's groups in the South were decorating graves before the end of the Civil War: a hymn published in 1867, "Kneel Where Our Loves are Sleeping" by Nella L. Sweet carried the dedication "To The Ladies of the South who are Decorating the Graves of the Confederate Dead" (Source: Duke University's Historic American Sheet Music, 1850-1920). While Waterloo N.Y. was officially declared the birthplace of Memorial Day by President Lyndon Johnson in May 1966, it's difficult to prove conclusively the origins of the day. It is more likely that it had many separate beginnings; each of those towns and every planned or spontaneous gathering of people to honor the war dead in the 1860's tapped into the general human need to honor our dead, each contributed honorably to the growing movement that culminated in Gen Logan giving his official proclamation in 1868. It is not important who was the very first, what is important is that Memorial Day was established. Memorial Day is not about division. It is about reconciliation; it is about coming together to honor those who gave their all.
Memorial Day was officially proclaimed on 5 May 1868 by General John Logan, national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, in his General Order No. 11, and was first observed on 30 May 1868, when flowers were placed on the graves of Union and Confederate soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery. The first state to officially recognize the holiday was New York in 1873. By 1890 it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the holiday changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war). It is now celebrated in almost every State on the last Monday in May (passed by Congress with the National Holiday Act of 1971 (P.L. 90 - 363) to ensure a three day weekend for Federal holidays), though several southern states have an additional separate day for honoring the Confederate war dead: January 19 in Texas, April 26 in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and Mississippi; May 10 in South Carolina; and June 3 (Jefferson Davis' birthday) in Louisiana and Tennessee.
Please remember in your hearts all that have given up their lives for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, in present and past wars on foreign and domestic soil.

Inappropriate Emails on Inappropriate Hugs

2007-05-23T17:01:00.000-05:00

The offensive line coach for the Pittsburgh Steelers is currently in trouble for sending some "inappropriate emails" to a plethora of NFL employees, including the head honcho Roger Goodell. Whoops.

Come on though, I don't understand why this is such a big deal. Who hasn't sent pornographic emails to the NFL Commissioner? I know I regularly send him as much smut as I can on a regular basis.

I guess I just don't understand the culture of NFL management.

Time Is Going Really Really Really Really Slow

2007-05-23T12:08:00.000-05:00

Not a sports story per se, but still funny:

What, me worry?

2007-05-21T09:10:00.000-05:00

Last night the Yankees let the league know that they're really not concerned with their awful start be sending out rookie Alfred E. Neuman to the mound. And what do you know, the ugly freckle and pimple faced punk (going by the assumed name Tyler Clippard) got the job done in a big spot as the Yankees beat the Mets 6-2 to salvage a win in the 3 game series.

As a Mets fan, this series didn't leave me feeling too proud in spite of winning 2 of 3. The team looked very flat last night and they nearly blew a big lead on Saturday. If Cano wasn't so awful at 2nd, and if a couple pitches were called balls instead of strikes, the Mets could have been swept. That's not the way you want to perform against a struggling lineup with a beat up rotation and over-taxed bullpen.

Now the Mets go to Atlanta where they need to make up for some losses earlier in the year and the Yankees face Boston in what's kind of a big series for them. If they can't get it going with Wang, Mussina, and Petitte throwing, this could be the end for Torre.

Giambi: All of baseball should apologize for steroids, revere Bonds...

2007-05-18T11:03:00.000-05:00

In today's USA Today (you can find a trampled over copy at the doorstep of any hotel room across this great country), Yankees DH Jason Giambi gives some contradictory statements about steroids:

"We should have apologized back then and made sure we had a rule in place and gone forward. … Steroids and all of that was a part of history. But it was a topic that everybody wanted to avoid. Nobody wanted to talk about it."

When asked, "So why did you take steroids?" Giambi said: "Maybe one day I'll talk about it, but not now."

Well shit Jason... Nobody wanted to talk about steroids, and here's brave little ol' you talking about steroids but not answering questions about them. Are you waiting until your playing days are over to bust out a juicy (pun-intended) novella about your steroid use and how your idol Mark McBeef initiated you into the scene? Yeah, you probably shouldn't say too much just yet... Maybe one day though... Asshole.

He further goes on to say:

"That stuff didn't help me hit home runs. I don't care what people say, nothing is going to give you that gift of hitting a baseball."

Hmmm... While you can obviously hit a baseball without the aid of steroids, it is odd that your slugging percentage has come down .100 points since your heyday in a pitcher friendly Oakland park after moving to left hand hitter friendly Yankee Stadium. And I'm pretty sure scientists, doctors, etc. have proven that steroid use will increase strength which should help to hit the ball further (with other side effects of course).

In support of Barroid:

"Barry is one of the greatest players, if not the greatest, I'll ever see play," says Giambi, who has hit 355 career home runs. "I know people have a tough time accepting it, but what he's doing is unbelievable. And I don't care what people say — nothing is going to give you that gift of hitting a baseball.

"Barry is like the great white shark," Giambi says, "the greatest killing machine on the planet. All it does is swim and eat.
"If you sit from afar, and look at him, that's Barry.
"Barry's motivation is to be the best baseball player this game has ever seen. And if you're in his way, he'll tell you, 'You better get (out of the way), you're ruining my mojo.' "

Who cares Bonds did/does steroids? Look at the fucking havoc he's causing. Big shit, he broke the rules, used illegal substances. Look at the fucking power he has. C'mon. Stop fucking with his mojo.

Jason Giambi... Dumber than a bag of hammers. Enjoy sitting on the bench at Shea and watching your team get stomped, asshole.

What the fuck are you drinking there anyway? Does Red Bull make you a special brew of just taurine? Do they throw bulls testicles in a blender, put it on chop and pour it into a bottle just for you? That's just nasty man.

By the way readers, keep on signing the Bonds asterisk petition. It's doubled in signatures thanks to people like you!

Hey Soulja Boi You Ain't Ready For War

2007-05-16T12:55:00.000-05:00

Just checked out Metsblog.com and saw this story...

Oh boy... Looks like when Mets "prospect" Lastings Milledge isn't working hard to fulfill his potential as a baseball player, he's working hard as CEO/Rapper for Soulja Boi Records.

Yes, that's Lastings on the right, with his star in the making, Manny D on the left. And Lastings can be heard but not understood at his site rapping about diamonds and different ho's every night along with Manny D on "Bend Ya Knees".

Somehow, I don't see this working out too well for him with the Mets and the image they're currently portraying.

Guess we won't be able to get Dontrelle for him anytime soon. Too bad. At least it's a fun sideshow.

Get your Complimentary Whatifsports.com SimLeague Football Team On…

2007-05-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

I came across a promotional code for the whatifsports SimLeague Football game…
Looks like they’re trying to get some interest in the game during the football off season.

If you’re not already a whatifsports user, when you get to the whatifsports homepage enter in the following promotional code towards the bottom left side of the screen: FXSLF7

If you’re already a member, enter the code by going to the WIS tab at the top of the screen and selecting Promotional Code.

If you’re becoming a new member, please enter the website thru the links found here so we get our rightful props for new recruits.

The Promo Code must be used before May 31, so the clocks ticking. And there’s no telling when they’ll nullify the code since I’m flaunting it at such a popular site here. Get in there and do it…

Now that you know how to get the free game, here’s how I would like it to be used:

I’ve put together a Football theme league that I’d like to fill amongst our friends, family, and readers…
Most theme leagues consist of ideas such as: Team must be made up of guys from the same college, only players in the 1990’s, no Cowboys allowed, and so on…
My theme league is this: You can only have Black Quarterbacks on your team, with no 2 teams having the same guy as their starting QB. Also, you cannot spend more than $24 million on your team defense (a strong d makes for a boring game). Team salary caps will be the "standard” $60 million. It will be a league recommended for newbies only, but there’s no way I can really prevent non-newbies from joining once the league goes public if it's not filled in a week. Black quarterbacks and average to bad defenses? Sounds like fun, right?

I scoured the annals of the NFL and the whatifsports QB database and came up with the following list of black quarterbacks that need to be used in this theme league (listed in highest salary order):

Daunte Culpepper - (eligible as backup for 2005-06)
Young Randall Cunningham (1986-97) (eligible as backup for 1985, 1993, 1995, 1997)
Warren Moon - (eligible as backup for 2000)
Donovon McNabb – (eligible as backup for 1999)
Mike Vick - (eligible as backup for 2001, 2003)
Young Steve McNair (1995-2002) – (eligible as backup for 1995)
Aaron Brooks - (eligible as backup for 2000, 2006)
Old Randall Cunningham (1998-2001) (eligible as backup for 1999, 2000, 2001)
Doug Williams - (eligible as backup for 1987, 1989)
Jeff Blake - (eligible as backup for 1998)
Kordell Stewart - (eligible as backup for 1995-96, 2002)
Old Steve McNair (2003-06) – (eligible as backup for 2004)
Byron Leftwich – (eligible as backup for 2006)
Tony Banks - (eligible as backup for 2003-04)
Quincy Carter – (eligible as backup for 2001-02, 2004)
James Harris – (eligible as backup for 1969-73, 1978-79)
Rodney Peete - (eligible as backup for 1989, 1991, 1994, 1996-98)
Shaun King - (eligible as backup for 1999, 2001)
Vince Evans - (eligible as backup for 1979, 1982, 1983, 1991-95)
Charlie Batch - (eligible as backup for 2003-2006)
Marlin Briscoe
VinceYoung
Joe Gilliam - (eligible as backup for 1973, 1975)
David Garrard - (eligible as backup for 2002-05)

List of Full-time Backups:
Anthony Wright
Jason Campbell
Andre Ware
Dave Mays
Cleo Lemon
John Jones
John Walton
Parnell Dickinson
Carlos Brown
Reggie Collier
Jarious Jackson
Senneca Wallace
Tarvaris Jackson
*edit: also Ray Lucas (duh, thanks for the reminder Big Nasty)
**edit: and Dameyune Craig (didn't know him, thanks Jackmann from Shaun's Kings)
This article was very helpful in putting together the list.

Since 24 teams are needed to fill a theme league, I had to make an old McNair and an old Cunningham since sadly there were not enough different black starting quarterbacks in NFL history. While you can’t have the same starting QB as another team, you can have the same backup(s).

If you feel my list is erroneous, please comment to add/delete anyone…

I had to make my roster in order to set the league up. To be fair, I picked the quarterback that was the worst of the bunch based on salary. As such, I ended up with David Garrard.

The list of quarterbacks left to be picked will be updated in the comments sections here as the league gets filled. The league will be open to the public, so let’s make sure we represent, and represent quickly.

Winning team gets a free copy of my Fear of a Black Planet cassette tape by Public Enemy.

To get into this fantastic league, after signing in at whatifsports, click on the Sim Leagues tab and click on the Draft Center link with the type “Full”. Then select the “Existing League” button and enter in league number NFL14418 and click on Draft Team. Check the list of available quarterbacks in the comments section before picking your starter, don’t spend over $24 mil on your defense and pick whoever you want from then on… Have fun, and spread word to your friends to join the league to fill it up. The sooner it’s filled, the sooner we get the games on.

JJ Hardy Boy Mystery

2007-05-12T23:17:00.000-05:00

After watching young JJ, who entered the season having 14 career homeruns, slug his 10th and 11th home runs of the year on consecutive days at Shea Stadium, I have begun to get suspicous of his early results.

I've got such a raging clue as to what might be going on.

This has shades of Kevin Elster hitting out 24 in 96' playing with Juan Gone, I-Rod, and the rest of the Rangers.

I know he's been injured earlier in his career, but this is too inordinate. Somebody make this faggot pee in a cup please.

(This post might just be me being jealous for not picking him off the waiver wire in any fantasy baseball league, but fuck it).

Barroid Bonds and the Asterisk

2007-05-08T21:44:00.000-05:00

When Kurt Vonnegut passed last month, we were reminded of the asshole asterisk.

Then the thought came to tie that asshole asterisk to sports.

Let's see... Who's the biggest asshole in sports, this side of TO? Whose records are tainted beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No, not Roger Clemens. Although he's definitely working on it.

Barry Bonds of course.

So, here's my attempt to permanently defame his name:

Please read and sign this petition to allow asterisks in the baseball record books and to have one placed next to Bonds and the other known 'roiders names in the books.

Sure it's an online petition and may not carry too much value... but when we get a nice little chain going, we'll print it up and bring it to good ol' Bud Selig's office on Park Ave and YouTube the video of the delivery.

Bud seems like a man of upstanding character. A real man of the people. I'm sure he'll do whatever's in his power to right this wrong for the sanctity of the game.

Now let's get cracking with the signatures, this bastard only has 12 more HGH fueled homers to go before he breaks the honorable Hank Aaron's record.

HOttest POLE VAULTER EVER!!!!

2007-05-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

OMG!! I LOVE HER!!! more pics at http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=2811

RIP Diego Corrales

2007-05-08T07:30:00.000-05:00

Former Lightweight Champion Diego Corrales was killed in a motorcycle accident last night at the age of 29. For the non-boxing fans here, to get an idea of just how great Chico was in the ring, just check him out in the final round of his epic fight with Jose Luis Castillo, which happened exactly two years before his death. I had posted this same clip back in February when this site first started, and I can still say with confidence that this was the best boxing match I have ever seen.

Unbelievable.

William Clemens Set to Return to the Yankees

2007-05-07T08:31:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Clemens signed with the Yankees for a pro-rated salary of $28 million for a single season. (The $28 million is the highest salary for a single season ever, $1 million more than A-Rod's gaudy salary, which I'm sure was just an arbitrary number and had nothing to do with just solidifying his position as one of the greatest pitchers of all time.) We all knew he was going to sign with one of three teams, so nothing too surprising there. (The surprise announcement was pretty interesting/cheesy, but it was in line with Clemens love of all things Roger.)

But do you want to know what actually was shocking about all of this? I went to Roger's Wikipedia page this morning just to do a little research for a possible post, and I discovered a weird little fact about Roger......his name isn't Roger.

William Roger Clemens is his actual name. This isn't that unusual, because many people will assume their middle name for their day to day life, but usually because their first name is "Alastair" or something like that....not because it is "William."

So there, this is my contribution to the Clemens fever that is about to sweep the NYC area. It is pointless and obscure, but make sure you correct anybody that you talk to this season that refers to him as "Roger". "Nuh uh, his name is William, I learned that from Inappropriate Hugs."

!!And the Lights Go Out on Broadway!!

2007-05-07T08:07:00.000-05:00

The New York rangers Quest has officially ended at the hands of the the Buffalo Sabres in 6 Games. There are no complaints coming from me about this year and the adversity that this team overcame to just get into the playoffs. The stretch run that started at Christmas was one of the bests runs a team has had ever in NHL history. Hockey is back in New York officially. The Rangers gave it all in probably one of the best series played at the garden in a long time. These teams were more evenly matched then what most expected. Even Lindy Ruff (Buffalo Head Coach) was quoted as saying that Rangers scared him and his (heavily favored Stanley Cup Final) team. The future is looking bright on Broadway and the countdown has begun till next season. Five months and counting, not six months(like years past), but five till opening night. The rookies will be there!
And I hope more will join bandwagon and the Shanny/Jagr goodbye tour that will occur.

Thank you New York Rangers for the fight and the heart that you all showed. I'm going to ask all that read this to please tune in and watch the rest of the post-season and the quest to the ultimate trophy in sports. Hockey needs support and will once again get back to the stature that it once held. These veins bleed blue for Life!

His arm better be falling off

2007-05-03T08:53:00.000-05:00

Carl Pavano is scheduling a visit to see the esteemed Dr James Andrews. All I am going to say is his forearm better be ripped from the bone. If it isn't, Carl Pavano is the biggest pussy ever. Your telling me he can't pitch because of "grabbing" in his forearm? Hey Carl, pitchers pitch hurt all the time. You are not going to be 100% all season. Stop being such a puss and get the fuck out there when your team needs you. If the Yankees felt that this injury was serious, don't you think he would have been on the first plane to Alabama after the game where he went 7 innings, letting up 2 runs on 6 hits against the Twins (not to bad for someone with "grabbing' of the forearm)? So for Carls sake, I hope the good Dr. James schedules his forearm reattachment surgery for early next week.

Going From Bad to Worse

2007-05-02T07:03:00.000-05:00

This is getting ridiculous. The Yankees have already been struggling with their starting pitching due to the calvacade of injuries that has been decimating the staff. The hitlist includes their #1, #2, #5 and #6 starters: Wang (Hamstring), Mussina (Hamstring), Karstens (Broken Leg) and Pavano (Forearm).

So they call up the Golden Boy Phillip Hughes last week, and after a decent performance last week, he completely dominated last night in Texas. He went for 6.1 innings, giving up no hits, and striking out six batters......and he is now out for 4-6 weeks with a hamstring injury. Ugh.

I hear Cashman is now in the market for a jacked knuckleballer with some big league experience who can help right this sinking ship:

You Warriors are good. Real good.

2007-05-01T13:54:00.000-05:00

I can’t say that I’ve watched a minute of them play all year (playoffs included). Thanks to the Knicks, I have completely rejected watching much of any Fantastic NBA Action this year. Tonight however (after I get back from my first Mets game of the year), I will definitely be checking out Game 5 of the Warriors and the Mavs.

Anytime a #8 seed is about to take out a #1 it becomes must see TV for me. The Mavs were 67-15 (tied for the 6th best record in league history) while the Warriors (42-40) just beat out the Clippers to get into the playoffs for the first time since Chris Webber was a rookie playing with Latrell in 1994. Should the Warriors win tonight (or in the “if necessary” games 6 & 7), they will become the first 8 seed to defeat a top seed since the NBA moved to the best of 7 format in 2003.

Of course, only 2 other #8 seeds have defeated top seeds before, and each of those featured defining moments.

The first time, in 1994, the Nuggets fought back from down 0-2 in the series to defeat the Sonics in OT in game 5. When the buzzer sounded Mutombo hilariously rolled around on the floor fondling the basketball while shrieking.

The second time, after the lockout shortened 1999 season, the Knicks advanced when Allan Houston’s clutch runner took a couple bounces and fell in with little time left. I nearly fell through the floor of my apartment from the post-shot celebration.
So far, this Mavs-Warriors series seems defined by Dirk’s inability to act like a superstar/MVP, the explosion of Baron Davis, and the Don Nelson love-fest. I would like to see someone please step up to get that “defining moment” of this series nailed down. Stephen Jackson, I’m looking at you.

And as a Knicks fan, the news isn’t all bad. I was informed by the Knicks through e-mail of their most glorious achievement during the playoffs. Yup, Knicks City Dancer “Asia” won the contest to become the next Pussycat Doll. Check out all the details as it’s the headline on their fucking homepage. Unless they have a promotional “Free Pussy” night, I’m not going to another game until this team makes some major changes (like, I don’t know, get rid of half the roster and all of their management and coaching staff).

Anyway... Go Warriors.

Mining the Depths of You Tube

2007-04-27T12:05:00.000-05:00

Why waste hours and hours looking for something entertaining on Youtube when your man main Martin Van Buren can do it for you?

God + Top Gun = Awesome

2 Foot Woman + 6 Foot 4 Inch Man= Bowling Ball Shaped Woman

Belgian Talk Show + Victim of Medical Malpractice (Accidental Amputation of His Testicles)= Awkward Laughing

And Finally....RIP Boris Yeltsin.....Leader, Diplomat & Brilliant Dancer

Pizza Hut's Newest Topping.......Weiner

2007-04-24T08:53:00.000-05:00

A very strange story out of London today. A man burst into a pizza shop, grabbed a knife, climbed up on a table, and proceeded to hack his own "manhood" off in front of shocked customers.

He was apparently a Polish man, so maybe he thought the people wanted a little kielbasa on their pizzas? RIMSHOT!!! I'm here all week....please tip your waitresses!!

The Great American Baseball Road Trip

2007-04-23T12:46:00.000-05:00

Nice weather is finally upon us. And with nice weather comes doing things outside.
Baseball is played outside.
This coming June, the two New York Baseball franchises will be playing in ballparks that are not their own that are in relatively close proximity to one another. The Yankees of the Bronx will play in Baltimore on Thursday, June 28th. The Mets of Flushing, Queens will play in Philadelphia on Friday, June 29th.
Currently, tickets are still available for the Yankees game in Baltimore, and the 1:05 Mets game in Philadelphia (which was a reschedule of an earlier rainout (the night game is sold-out (fireworks night)).

The tentative game plan goes as follows:
Drive down to Baltimore Thursday afternoon (approx 3 hours), check in to whatever low-rate hotel we've chosen (probably out of the harbor area due to budgetary concerns), get some pre-game food/drink in the Harbor, enjoy the game, have post-game drink, acquire/indulge in heroin, sleep comfortably in hotel.
On Friday, check out, drive the hour and a half to the ballpark in Iladelph, enjoy the game while sweating out the toxins from the previous night, check into another low-rate hotel, go to wherever the Philadelphia nightlife may be, eat cheese steaks and get in fights with grumpy Phillies fans while monitoring the night's game, and then seek out a hooker to bring back to the hotel for a good ol' fashioned gangbang.
Whenever we get going Saturday, perhaps we can do some historic sightseeing in the afternoon before driving home, or maybe swing over to Atlantic City (1 hour away) for another night of debauchery (Seung-Hui Cho would've loved us) before going back in the pre-dawn hours of Sunday (because hotels look pretty unavailable in AC for that weekend).

As it currently stands, Anthony G., Chris P., and James C. are going to take part in this adventure. If you would like to join in the fun, please reply with your intent to do so by the end of the work week (5:00 PM ET Friday). Ticket purchases/hotel bookings will be made this weekend.

Where There is Smoke...There Are Pro Athletes

2007-04-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

So why does Calvin Johnson have such a good vertical leap? Because he likes to jump high in the air.

According to ESPN, Johnson, Gaines Adams and Amobi Okoye all admitted to smoking marijuana in their NFL Combine interviews. I doubt that this is going to have a serious effect on where they are going to get drafted, but lets be blunt about it, it isn't going to exactly help them either. Some GMs may read this new report and end up rolling (the) paper and throwing it in the trash right away.

I hope this doesn't lead to any chronic problems for any of these fine young men. They have their whole lives ahead of them, you don't want to see them go to pot.

This site is great!

2007-04-19T09:12:00.000-05:00

Click on exam room #1

and post your scores in comments. Lets see who the best at deciphering is! hahaha

http://www.alllooksame.com/exam_room.php

Non-Mass Murderer Videos

2007-04-18T22:24:00.000-05:00

Inappropriate Hugs presents the outtakes from the Virginia Tech killer's video:

And for all you Italian Stallions out there, the Guido Geico commercial:

I like Carlos a lot, the other Carlos… I don’t know.

2007-04-18T16:49:00.000-05:00

Hasn’t been much baseball talk going on here, so I figure I would delve into the conflicting feelings I have towards the Mets’ Carloses. Carlos Delgado makes a lot of money (signed a 5 year, 52 mil deal with the Marlins before the 05’ season) for a below average defensive player in his mid 30’s, but for the past 10 years , you could pretty much pencil him in for batting .275 with at least 35 home runs and 100+ RBI’s.
He’s a peaceful man who stands by his beliefs. He caught some big time flack for quietly protesting the war in Iraq by not standing for God Bless America in 2004. But he certainly wasn’t wrong in his reasoning for it (the Iraq war may very well be, “the stupidest war ever"). And it’s too bad the Mets apparently have a policy against it, because more people in the public eye should be expressing their displeasure with what’s going on.
He’s also an intelligent man who doesn’t appreciate it when he’s not treated that way. When the Mets were trying to sign every available Latino superstar under the sun after the 2004 season, Delgado snubbed them for Florida. What was his reasoning? He didn’t like the way the Mets were trying to persuade him by playing upon his heritage. It takes some top quality cojones to turn away more money over that.
Also, he looks like he’s having fun on the field, and apparently, he’s not a dick off the field.
All in all, he’s a class act with principles and I enjoy rooting for him.

Carlos Beltran makes a ton of money ($119 mil over 7 years signed before 05’ season). He’s a 5-tooler (which is a description that always raises my suspicions) that’s arguably the best all-around outfielder in the game. He can do it all. And one postseason he did. He also did pretty damn good last season too. His legacy may already be set because of it (financially he certainly is).
For all his accolades, I don’t get much enjoyment watching him play. Although a big fan of the team, I don’t pull for him like I do the other guys in the lineup.
With his pretty boy looks (despite the mole), I think he’s got a lot of A-Rod in him, all the way down to striking out looking for the last out in the playoffs. I’m hoping he mixed some curveballs into his ocular pitching machine this off-season.
For someone rolling in dough for playing a game, he seems petulant. Last season he needed Julio Franco’s urging to get him out of the dugout for a curtain call and bitched about how the fans aren’t his friends thru thick and thin afterwards. Guess what buddy? You’re not playing in Kansas City anymore. The fans here don’t just show up and root for the guys wearing the white laundry. They know what you’re capability is and expect you to perform up to it. If you didn’t want to get criticized you should have signed with Houston for less money.
And while his salary may actually be a good value given what happened last off-season, I do begrudge him for having a slimeball agent (Boras) that demanded more money from the Mets while propositioning the Yankees for less money using the Mets offer for leverage.
I hope someone shows him some A-Rod comparison footage from last year to this year to demonstrate how good he could be if he was more aggressive. He’s got an all-time great hitter in Carlos Delgado batting behind him in the lineup. I’m tired of him taking pitches he should be hitting for strikes and then either taking called 3rd strikes or hitting weak groundouts. Jose Reyes may be leading the league in runs scored, but he probably leads the league in getting stranded in scoring position too.
While early returns show Beltran is having a better season thus far than Delgado, it’s going to take a lot more than better numbers for me to show the same reverence towards both of them. Fortunately for Beltran, I can easily be swayed with an MVP season and World Series victory.

HGH = BS?

2007-04-17T11:52:00.000-05:00

I found this link in Rob Neyer's blog on ESPN. Apparently, there is no evidence that HGH has any performing enhancing abilities. It has been shown to make muscles bigger (as well as your organs), but it doesn't actually make you stronger, faster or more coordinated. Some one probably should have told this to Eddie Gurerreo.

The Landlord

2007-04-16T17:56:00.000-05:00

Um... Marcus Vick's not taking Spring Classes, right?

2007-04-16T13:05:00.000-05:00

Too soon probably?

The I.O.C. just announced the new Olymipc Sport that will be introduced at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, replacing Baseball and Softball.

2007-04-16T12:50:00.000-05:00

All of America's college students and fraternity members have been drowning themselves in beer at pandemic proportions since the International Olympic Committee has announced that they will be finally replacing baseball and softball with Men's, Women's, and Mixed Beirut (Also called Beer Pong). The U.S. team will begin holding tryouts at the beginning of July and will hopefully find the best 10 Beer Pongers in the country to represent the U.S. in the Summer Olympics in Beijing in 2008. Tryouts will begin with U.S. Olympic committee evaluators visiting select college campuses throughout the country to determine who the best of the best actually are. The U.S. Olympic committee hopes to have a team ready for training by February 2008. Training most likely will be done in the Denver area due to its high altitude, which should help benefit the teams stamina. The I.O.C. has approved the use of Beijing Beer (Beijing Pijiu) as the official beer of the competition after numerous false reports that such a beer was made with formaldehyde to lock in the flavor. Extensive testing on Beijing Pijiu by BALCO labs in San Francisco has deemed that rumor as false. OH the memories of beer pong, especially strip beer pong with the ladies. Now those were the days!

Press Conference Reveals David Ortiz Clearly Doesn't Know Who Jackie Robinson Is

2007-04-16T08:11:00.000-05:00

COME HUG DA PAPI!!!!

Via The Onion:

BOSTON—David Ortiz's halting, stammered response to a question regarding baseball legend Jackie Robinson directed to him in a clubhouse press conference Tuesday demonstrated that the designated hitter clearly has no idea who Robinson was or what he was talking about. "Oh, yeah, I know that guy. We played ball together, you know, couple years, when we were both younger. How's he doing, anyway?" Ortiz said, dismissively, eliciting puzzled murmurs from the assembled reporters. "Jack played some good ball. Man was always a lot of fun to be around." When reporters attempted to bail Ortiz out by asking leading questions concerning the many barriers Robinson broke, Ortiz responded by saying he had heard the news, that he certainly hoped Robinson would be okay, and that Jackie should not have been driving drunk in the first place.

Lost a Great One Yesterday...

2007-04-12T10:54:00.000-05:00

I'm not a big reader. In fact, I'm a pretty small reader. I watch too much tv and spend too much time on the computer to get into books much.
But one guy who I am an avid reader of is Kurt Vonnegut.
He died yesterday at age 84.
His writing was usually very unique and entertaining. He lived a pretty full life and his writing involved what he had been thru. I always admired his honesty and ability to get his point across, even if it was that we're all fucked in one way or another.
Anyway, here's my own personal favorites of his work: God Bless You Mr. Rosewater, Breakfast of Champions, Bluebeard, and Hocus Pocus. Whether or not your into books or not, you can't go wrong with any of them...

RIP

Update - Here's a link to a clip provided by MVB of Vonnegut on the Daily Show from a couple of years ago.

Move over Randy Marsh and Kramer...

2007-04-10T22:02:00.000-05:00

Looks like there's a new Sheriff in town...

Kind of a touchy subject here...

Anyway, here's the transcript from the Imus in the Morning show last week and some unasked for opinion on the subject:

IMUS: So, I watched the basketball game last night between -- a little bit of Rutgers and Tennessee, the women's final.
ROSENBERG: Yeah, Tennessee won last night -- seventh championship for [Tennessee coach] Pat Summitt, I-Man. They beat Rutgers by 13 points.
IMUS: That's some rough girls from Rutgers. Man, they got tattoos and --
McGUIRK: Some hard-core hos.
IMUS: That's some nappy-headed hos there. I'm gonna tell you that now, man, that's some -- woo. And the girls from Tennessee, they all look cute, you know, so, like -- kinda like -- I don't know.
McGUIRK: A Spike Lee thing.
IMUS: Yeah.
McGUIRK: The Jigaboos vs. the Wannabes -- that movie that he had.
IMUS: Yeah, it was a tough --
McCORD: Do The Right Thing.
McGUIRK: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
IMUS: I don't know if I'd have wanted to beat Rutgers or not, but they did, right?
ROSENBERG: It was a tough watch. The more I look at Rutgers, they look exactly like the Toronto Raptors.
IMUS: Well, I guess, yeah.
RUFFINO: Only tougher.
McGUIRK: The [Memphis] Grizzlies would be more appropriate.

Unasked for opinion:

White people in a public forum really need to be more careful about the way they insult Black people. While it's true that Blacks have made inappropriate comments towards others (such as the waaay fucked up Tsunami Song from the Hot 97 morning show a few years back), it comes off very differently when Whites say it about Blacks (given the history of this country).

And if they are going to make jokes, it damn sure better be funny. This wasn't funny, just typical shock-jock shit, and it's unfortunate that it's blown up the way it has because now there's victims. The lives of the girls on that Rutgers team are never going to be the same. They've been branded as nappy headed ho's. And the American public gets more Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson in their lives. Regardless of the penalty, Imus is cooked, and his crew should go down with him, cause they're comments were just as stupid.

I obviously didn't watch the game, but I scanned through some pics... I didn't see nappy hair at all, and only one of the players had a tattoo and looked thuggish. So not only was it not funny, it wasn't true. But I guess most girls wouldn't look too good up against Candace Parker on Tennessee. 6 feet 4 inches of Caramel Dunking Bliss is what she is...

To play it safe, no one should talk about Women's Basketball ever again.

Bikerfox Supports the Troops

2007-04-09T14:06:00.000-05:00

He truly is America's finest athlete.

Bugatti Veyron.....Better than my 1997 Saturn

2007-04-08T10:18:00.000-05:00

1001 Horsepower, 16 Cylinders, 253 mph top speed......this car is just ridiculous:

Conflicting Feelings About New Jack

2007-04-04T10:18:00.000-05:00

Video is NSFW-ish because of some language, but the images are completely Kosher. (Kosher reference was made in honor of our massive Jewish audience. Shalom.)

At first this video is going to make you feel bad for New Jack because of the apparently permanent damage that his eye has suffered due to a fall he took in one match. You will say to yourself, "Self, do you really need to have grown men risk their lives in order to entertain you? Can't you just find a less barbaric way of amusing yourself?"

Then New Jack talks about how he tried to kill the guy that injured him and you again have a little conversation with yourself. "Self, are you nuts?? Are you going to miss an opportunity to actually see New Jack kill somebody because you feel bad for them? Get yo' ass back in front of that TV and watch!!"

Shawn Kemp is the Father!!!

2007-04-04T09:40:00.000-05:00

*****EXCLUSIVE*****EXCLUSIVE*****EXCLUSIVE*****EXCLUSIVE*****

Inappropriate Hugs has received word from an insider in the Bahamas that NBA star Shawn Kemp will be adding yet another child to his already prodigious group of offspring. After being tracked down by the crack staff of the Maury Povich show and forced to undergo a DNA test, Kemp has now been confirmed as the father of little Dannielynn.

Inappropriate Hugs has obtained this exclusive photograph of Kemp and Anna Nicole on a romantic vacation that was taken approximately 11 months before the birth of the baby. (Kemp has reportedly trained his highly potent sperm to just "hang out" for a couple of months inside of his many female conquests before going for the fertilization in order to acquire the greatest number of children possible while still maintaining the ability to deny that he was the father.)

Larry "Grandma-Ma" Johnson apparently was seen wiping his brow and exclaiming, "WHEW!!" when he learned he wasn't the baby daddy.

Q. What could make Joe "Monkey" Morgan proclaim, "Oh no!"

2007-04-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

A. A rally-killing, inning-ending double play turned by the Mets off a great diving stop by the 'Stache.

It's good to have baseball back as the Mets began making up for Game 7 of last year with a 6-1 road victory over the Cardinals to begin the 2007 season. After carving up Carpenter in the opener, the Mets face Kip Wells and Braden Looper in the final 2 games of the series Tuesday and Wednesday. In related news, I might pick up a broom tomorrow.

Here's hoping Glavine gets involved in some pitching duels that yield no decisions in the next few months. I have a feeling once he gets his 300 Wins, he's coasting... I hope I'm wrong.

I know what I am doing on Oct 16

2007-03-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

Grand Theft Auto 4

Your Kick in the Nuts Man of March

2007-03-29T09:04:00.000-05:00

Las year he was named "The Successor" now he is getting a divorce, got caught for a DUI and he lost his job. Ladies and Gentlemen here is your Kick in the Nuts Man for the month of March... Steve Swindal!

Rambo Part IV- Blood Transfusion

2007-03-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

Hot on the heels of his steroid and HGH fueled performance in Rocky Balboa, Sly Stallone is currently filming a new sequel to the Rambo Franchise, 20 years after the last installment. To help him pull of the illusion that a 60 year old Vietnam Vet would still be physically capable of taking down an entire division of evil Burmese soldiers, Stallone has hired a 30 year old body double to do most of the stunts for him in the movie.

Stallone will perform his own grunts, screams and other gutteral sounds though, so there will be some authentic parts to this farce of a film.

(Editor's Note- I am 27 years old, and there isn't a sliver of a doubt in my mind that Stallone could physically pummell me to death and is in ten times better shape than I am in. However, I have almost $100,000 in student loans, and that is one thing I'll always have that Mr. Jennifer Flavin will never have. So up yours Sly, I win.)

My Black Friend

2007-03-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

All Five Rocky Movies in Twenty Four Seconds

2007-03-25T20:06:00.000-05:00

I call this "The Essence of Balboa":

Greatest Congressman of All-Time

2007-03-23T15:41:00.000-05:00

Don't let the fact that he is currently in prison influence your opinion of James Traficant...he is still the most quotable politician in our lifetimes.

Here is a smattering of his statements:

Screwed Up

2007-03-23T14:37:00.000-05:00

I hate the fact that I am but an ordinary man, so I love to see it when celebrities, actors, athletes and public officials screw up in public. It lets me know that despite the fact that I have led a remarkably unremarkable life, I am still better than these people who just happened to be at the right place at the right time. So this is my attempt to broadcast the shortcomings of all of these notable personalities in the way that I know best.....by profiling them on our blog with its massive readership and huge ad revenue.

Up yours you fancy people with your complicated shoes!!!!!

Here is a small potato to get this rolling....UP YOURS QVC!!!

You may be falling down due to the ladder, but you will fall even farther after we are through with you....UP YOURS AGAIN QVC!!!

One celebrity (Sheppard Smith of Fox News) attempts to bring down another celebrity (J-Lo)....well I got news for the both of you....DOUBLE UP YOURS!!!

I'm sure you saw this one coming Sylvia Browne (or maybe you didn't)...but I think I'm sensing something......UP YOURS!!!

It is scary to think about all of the people who are plotting to ruin the United States....

I don't have to say "Up Yours" to ol' Bushie....he is already all over the concept of Up Yours:

Answer the Bell- Classic Mike Tyson Interviews

2007-03-23T12:17:00.000-05:00

NSFW in parts due to language, but you can't beat an unhinged Mike Tyson. My personal favorite.

Tyson talking to a female reporter, "I normally don't give interviews to women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk...unless you want to...you know."

Iron Mike Tyson? Nope...Smooth Mike Tyson is more like it.

Photographic Evidence that Yankee fans are the worlds biggest assholes

2007-03-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

Hillary says she's not a Mets fan and definately a Cubs and Yankees fan. So she likes the least and most successful teams over the past century. Nice to see she can't even take a stance when it comes to picking a fucking team to support. Well, she did exclude the Mets. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. I mean, a Mets fan. Tim Robbins may be embarrasing, but that's as bad as it gets. Let's Go Obama!

More Names...

2007-03-20T08:49:00.000-05:00

Today is a great day here at Inappropriate Hugs. Why? Because there have been more names from the roid ring (ESPN) have been leaked, and, surprise, they are all professional wrestlers. The fact the pro wrestlers are using steriods is not shocking, but some of the names that have been released are (a bit). Without further adu, your march inductees to the 2007 Juice Hall Of Fame:

1. Randy Orton: No surprise here. From all accounts this guy is a giant douche (he once took a dump in one of the female wrestlers bags). Juice of Choice: stanozolol, nandrolone, anastrozole, Clomiphene citrate, oxandrolone and testosterone

2. Adam Copeland, aka "Edge": A little bit surprising.. as you can tell by the pic, he isn't the biggest guy around*. Juice of choice: HGH

3. Shane Helms aka "The Hurricane": This is surprising, I have seen this guy in person, he is pretty small*. Juice of Choice: HGH

4. Oscar Guuierrez, aka "Rey Mystero Jr": Another really small guy*. Smaller then the Hurricane, though he does look pretty jacked in this picture. Juice of Choice: nandrolone stanozolol

5. Eddie Guerrero: No Shit, this guy was as big as a5'8" guy could get, plus he died of an enlarged heart. He also had a sick mullet. Juice of Choice: HCG, stanozolol

This goes to show you, not all juicers look like this:

*For a wrestler

Edgar Sosa: El Tigre? More like Maricón

2007-03-19T13:18:00.000-05:00

Everyone seems to be in love with the way Gus Johnson calls games. I’m not entertained. I find it annoying. And I certainly didn’t enjoy his 2 hour suckfest of Louisville freshmen Edgar Sosa on Saturday. I have Texas A&M as champs in my bracket and it was bad enough listening to the roar from the “neutral” Kentucky crowd during the game, I didn’t need Johnson fellating Sosa on top of it. Did you know Sosa was from the Bronx? Not sure if you caught that. He’s one tough cookie. Too bad he plays with the mannerisms of Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds. Anyway, I may be the only one looking forward to James Brown’s boring calling of the later rounds of games. Just thought I’d get my rant in against Gus.

Sayonara Balls

2007-03-19T12:25:00.000-05:00

Some more ball slapping brilliance from the Land of the Rising Sun:

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses

2007-03-15T10:13:00.000-05:00

In a shocking turn at the U.S. detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, Al-Qaida's #3 has accepted responsibility for planning and executing the demise of the New York Knicks.

From his written admission: I planned the demise of this once great franchise from A-Z. After the loss in the 1999 Finals to the San Antonio Spurs I was filled with hatred at the joy New Yorkers received watching this team succeed. I immediately began infiltrating their operation, using the financial backing of Saudi royalty to sway James Dolan to our cause. I used my influence to get Frank Layden in at GM, leading to the decision to draft Frédéric Weis over hometown favorite Ron Artest.

I did not want to be too overt in my destruction, allowing the organization to plod along. Eventually, when enough old warriors on the team left and were replaced with boring, untalented players, we drove the admired and respected Van Gundy to leave the team in early 2001. At this point, my plan to devastate the Knicks went full throttle. My influence led to the hiring of Al-Qaida operative Don Chaney as head coach and directly led to the acquisitions of Shandon Anderson and Howard Eisley. With the mangling of the Knicks salary cap complete, the teams' power was rendered obsolete and their annihilation was forth-coming.

When the American public fought back and cried for change, Scott Layden was made the scapegoat of the operation in 2003. Little did they know, I planned for someone more menacing and hating of New Yorkers to take their place. Fresh off his success of destroying the CBA, Mohammad Atta, I mean, Isiah Thomas (who has disliked America since being left off the Dream Team), was named GM and President of team operations. Lenny Wilkens was brought in to help lead the sheep to slaughter. New Yorkers followed a mediocre team to the playoffs that year, where they were embarrassingly swept in the first round.

Courtesy of my ingenious management of the Knicks salary cap and draft picks thru trades and signings (Jerome James, Malik Rose, Jalen Rose, Steve Francis, Penny Hardaway, Jerome Williams, Maurice Taylor, Eddy Curry), the team would not have any hope of improving. The following season was wonderful, highlighted by Lenny Wilkens being run out of town. That was followed up with an ensuing circus, bringing in Larry Brown to coach a dreadful team with a ridiculous contract to further humiliate New Yorkers. That horrible team actually underachieved with a 23-59 record and the leagues highest payroll. Larry Brown was bought out and Isiah has been placed in full control as GM and Head Coach and now with news that he has a multi-year deal to ruin the team, George W Bush said it best, "Mission Accomplished!".

Wow, that's great news. Maybe now they can make some changes and put Isiah and Dolan in prison where they belong.

The T-Shirt Says It All

2007-03-13T22:53:00.000-05:00

Now I have to admit I am not an expert in the rules of evidence (I'm still taking the class right now in law school), but I don't believe she can admit the statement on her shirt as testimony on her behalf.

Jerramy Stevens Tries Out Medicinal Marijuana and Booze Combo

2007-03-13T19:21:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to cure his affliction of stone hands and lack of work ethic, the Seattle Seahawks's Jerramy Stevens has turned to the one tried and true medicinal combo.......the sticky icky and booze. Unfortunately for Stevens, the police don't look to kindly upon the use of these herbal remedies when the patient is driving, resulting in Stevens's arrest early Tuesday morning.

Stevens will be crushed to learn that you also can't use ganja to cure the pain from knees to the bizallsack.

Silent Library

2007-03-13T14:16:00.000-05:00

Japanese game shows are unbelievably entertaining.....this show is called Silent Library, and the premise is pretty simple. Six guys sit at a table in a library, six cards are dealt onto the table face down, 5 of them are "safe cards" and the 6th one requires the guy who drew it to face the consequence listed on the sign that they flip over. Whoever draws the 6th card is supposed to just endure whatever happens to him while remaining silent.

I know...it sounds contrived, but it is hysterical.

(Oh, and that isn't a really tan Japanese guy, it is Ernesto Hoost, a K-1 kickboxer.)

The Limitations of the Internet

2007-03-12T10:34:00.000-05:00

The internet is great for online shopping, current news stories, email, chat rooms, etc., but there are certain limitations to the content that is available on it. For example, you simply cannot find a video of a French tailor jumping off of the Eiffel Tower in order to test an overcoat that he built that was supposed to double as a parachute.

Oh wait, never mind, you can find that....oh you glorious internet!! You never cease to entertain me!!

Really? This is "evident progress"?

2007-03-12T09:04:00.000-05:00

Looks like Isiah Thomas will be getting a multi year contract extension. Apparently 29-34 is considered "edident progress" by Jimmy Dolan. And here I thought the cable guy who hooked up our cable by drilling holes haphazardly into the walls, moldings and the aluminum siding of the house was just a lazy bastard, turns out he was angling for a promotion.

Isiah Thomas Has Compromising Photos of Jim Dolan and a Horse

2007-03-12T08:56:00.000-05:00

The only possible explanation for Isiah Thomas's multiyear extension is that he has some evidence that Jim Dolan is a fan of human/equine lovemaking. There has been an improvement between last season's squad and the 2006-2007 version, but this hardly qualifies as clear and convincing evidence that Thomas is the right guy for this job.

He drafts well. That is it.....that is the only accolade that I can bestow upon Zeke with any certainty at all. He is still the king of awful contracts, dumb trades, and dumb non-trades (buying out expiring contracts instead of trading them). Oh, I forgot, he is also awesome at sexual harrassment. I want to make sure he gets credit for that.

Hopefully Dolan comes to his senses and realizes that his love for all things horsey is no longer a taboo subject in our society. If he wants to make sweet love to a horse, that is his business, but he doesn't need to foist Thomas upon us in order to make penance for it.

Dutch Quad Represent!

2007-03-10T15:32:00.000-05:00

Looks like the Danes are indeed Great again. UAlbany held on to defeat Vermont 60-59 to win the America East Conference Tournament Championship and will get another crack at the NCAA tournament next week. There's no doubt about it. They're a DI Powerhouse.

R.Kelly Airlines....

2007-03-09T18:17:00.000-05:00

Off-Duty NWA Worker Charged With Assault On Flight

(WCCO) Minneapolis An off-duty Northwest Airlines employee was arrested after a woman on a flight from Seattle complained that the man had ejaculated on her.The FBI identified the man as Samuel Oscar Gonzalez, 20, of Lakewood, Wash. He was charged in federal court with simple assault, a misdemeanor.It happened on the redeye Monday morning from Seattle to Minneapolis. The woman was headed back to college.Near the end of the flight, the FBI said Gonzalez sat next to the woman as she was trying to sleep. He touched her, which she described as spooning, lifted her shirt and then got up and left. Court documents said she felt a warm fluid on her back, clothes and seat after he walked away. She told the officers he had ejaculated on her. The woman told the flight attendants about the incident. They moved her to another seat and called police from the air. The crew also moved the man to a seat near the front of the plane until the end of the flight. Northwest Airlines Corp. said the flight crew asked that police meet the flight from Seattle when it arrived early Monday in Minneapolis, and that's where officers arrested Gonzalez.The victim told her boyfriend she was told Gonzalez is a Northwest employee."I know she was really upset, just kind of confused about what's going on, what's happening," said the victim's boyfriend, Mark, who asked to be identified only by his first name.Northwest said that Gonzalez was an equipment service worker, a category that includes baggage handlers, but said he was not working at the time.They released a statement that said, “The NWA employee has been suspended pending a review of the incident. Northwest is cooperating fully with law enforcement authorities on this matter."The FBI said Gonzalez was detained after his initial appearance in federal court on Monday. He could face up to six months in jail.

This guy is a true American!!!
For the video clip of this great story: http://wcco.com/topstories/local_story_064172908.html

???Reuben Droughns???

2007-03-09T17:22:00.000-05:00

I know he is an insurance policy, but Rueben Droughns??? Why??? Did we acquire him because he is another wife beater? His stats are mediocre to good. He is garbage, but then again he did not cost us that much. I guess we are really hoping now to sign WR Curtis. I'm not a big fan of this move.

Terminator 4: Fat Boy's Revenge

2007-03-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

Looking real good Eddie Furlong:

Ummmm..... Awesome tattoo dude.

2007-03-09T14:26:00.000-05:00

Don't mess with this man.. he is serious... serious about the dolphins... and about shitty tattoos.... Don't look him in the eye, he may become hostile.. You can see many more of these specimens at si.com. Sadly, Loubag's powder blue Yankee tattoo is not on display.

RIP Baby, baby

2007-03-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe it's been 10 years since Biggie was killed (I was a freshman in college). Woke up foggy that Sunday morning and my suitemate Neil from Shrub Oak came in my room and told me Biggie was shot and killed. I told him that's not funny. He told me to put the TV on. I did and saw the news. It was surreal. Ready to Die was blaring loudly from all corners of Dutch Quad that day. Even though Tupac died shortly before, it didn't seem right for Biggie to be killed like that. He seemed like a good guy. Sure he rapped about robbing pregnant women and raping Mom's but he made it amusing. He was only 24 years old. I remember when Juicy came out and he was rapping about how he made it and what not. I thought, "He hadn't made it yet, why was he talking like he did." Well he knew better than me. He was one of a kind, and he left a big hole in the rap world that hasn't been and is not gonna be filled. You know how everything changed after 9/11/01? Well, 3/9/97 was rap's 9/11/01. RIP Biggie.

The Beer Launcher!

2007-03-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

This is the greatest invention ever! Its even better than Lou's kegerator, b/c you have to get up to use that! The accuracy and distance is amazing. I will be sure to purchase one asap. Here's the link to the video, it is pretty impressive. Alcoholics UNITE!!!

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/445498/robotic_beer_launching_refrigerator/

Love Baseball But Hate Hockey? Here is Your Answer

2007-03-09T01:10:00.000-05:00

Now I'm not Canadian, but I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to swing your hockey stick like a Louisville Slugger. Chris Simon of the Islanders has now officially made me a fan of the new baseball/hockey/gladiator match hybrid sport that is sweeping the nation.

Feast your eyes on this, eh:

John Popper is a Straight Thug

2007-03-08T18:06:00.000-05:00

Proving that playing the harmonica is just as gangsta as popping Cristal, John Popper of Blues Traveler was arrested yesterday after speeding at 111 mph in his drug and weapon laden car. Handguns, rifles, tasers, pot, night vision goggles, Poppy didn't limit himself to a single genre of contraband.

I guess his weight loss really went to his head and he decided he needed to start popping caps in anybody who used to call him "The Fat Guy from Blues Traveler."

It is only a matter of time before Jared from Subway goes on a killing spree.

BYE BYE COKE DEALER

2007-03-08T15:12:00.000-05:00

It didn't take the Ravens long to fill their void at running back.
A day after former Baltimore back Jamal Lewis signed a one-year deal with Cleveland, the Ravens traded for Buffalo Bills running back Willis McGahee, The Baltimore Sun reported on its Web site Thursday.
Baltimore will send three draft picks to Buffalo in exchange for the former Miami star. The deal is contingent upon McGahee passing a physical, the newspaper reported.
"We're getting a dynamic back who has the potential to diversify our running game," Ravens coach Brian Billick said, according to The Sun.
"This is a runner who can make people miss," Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome said.

Answer the Bell: MMA Edition

2007-03-08T12:04:00.000-05:00

And for your main event....2 seconds of amazing action!!

At least the schools are good down there...

2007-03-08T10:48:00.000-05:00

Looks like Mike Hampton (Comeback Player of the Year, Cy Young favorite, champion of NY area schools, and Super Dwarf) can't quite get his swing back to where he wants it. I really feel bad for the guy and the entire Atlanta Braves organization. It's amazing what a contract worth 121 million over 8 years will get you nowadays. Don't worry Atlanta, I heard Jose Lima's still available.

O.J. did it?

2007-03-07T12:10:00.000-05:00

Usually one to steer clear of controversy, OJ Simpson and his slow-moving sperm want in on the Anna Nicole Smith baby's daddy sweepstakes. Oh, so now OJ's cool with DNA testing? I'm no expert, but looking at the baby it doesn't appear to be OJ's.

Unless maybe the chocolate-face is developed later in life or something? Judging from this stock-footage of Anna and OJ's first encounter, they did have a long lasting relationship though. Certainly is a pattern developing with OJ and dead blondes...